


So Now You’re Friends With Tony: Your Guide to Tony Stark

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Humor, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Not Beta Read, Poor Tony, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Thor, Thor Is a Good Bro, Your guide to Tony Stark, and here we are, but then things happened, i think, initially this had no plot, it was crack, not realistic at all, seriously none of this would actually happen, then shit got real, this is all for shits my friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 17:26:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4109005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rhodey sits across from him and pulls out a book, “this is for you, welcome to the crazy and I apologize ahead of time,” he says and hands Steve the book.  </p><p>He takes it and frowns, “’So Now You’re Friends With Tony: Your Guide to Tony Stark’. Is this necessary?” he asks. Tony can’t be that bad. Sure he was a little out of touch with reality because he was a rich kid who’s actions didn’t really have consequences but still, he wasn’t that bad, Steve was sure of it. </p><p>Rhodey shakes his head, “you have no idea, just keep the book because your going to need it,” he says and walks away. Steve, the sorry sucker, does indeed need the book though he doesn’t find that out until the next week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoodSourceofFiber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodSourceofFiber/gifts).



> Alrighty, so this is the first time I've actually shared my writing online so bare with me. To be forewarned I love commas more than I should and this is unedited because I am a whiny pissbaby who won't let my friends read my things out of fear of judgement. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!  
> **Some people commented on grammar mistakes, I have changed at least some of those mistakes but I'm not guaranteeing perfection.

Rhodey sits across from him and pulls out a book, “this is for you, welcome to the crazy and I apologize ahead of time,” he says and hands Steve the book.

He takes it and frowns, “’so now You’re Friends With Tony: Your Guide to Tony Stark’. Is this necessary?” he asks. Tony can’t be that bad, sure he was a little out of touch with reality because  he was a rich kid who’s actions didn’t really have consequences but still, he wasn’t that bad, Steve was sure of it.

Rhodey shakes his head, “you have _no_ idea, just keep the book because you’re going to need it,” he says and walks away. Steve, the sorry sucker, does indeed need the book though he doesn’t find that out until the next week.

  1.        Always Remember Tony Stark Does Not Live in the Real World.



Example: he thinks a loaf of bread costs fifteen dollars

Hanging out with Tony always managed to get him in shit, so much so that his mom was starting to worry about him. He was pretty sure she and Rhodey’s mom talked shit about Tony whenever they got called into the principal’s office. Lately that was roughly once a week, sometimes more sometimes less. The latest call was because he was trying to buy Tony and Rhodey time to finish with the set up for their latest prank and he called Mr. Fury a twat. To be fair it was the first thing that came to his mind, even if it wasn’t the wisest decision he’d ever made. Boy had that pissed his mom off but that was nothing compared to the one eyed glares he got from Fury. It was a very sad and terrifying day when someone was scarier than his mom. Tony and Rhodey had gotten busted before they could properly complete the contraption which had made that whole ordeal totally not worth it until a week later when the contraption went off. Seeing Fury covered in pink glittery foam was totally worth his mother’s disappointed looks. However it did result in Tony roping him into another one of his elaborate, ridiculous and no doubt expensive pranks, which had landed him in the principal’s office. Again.   

Tony was rich, he knew, but he had absolutely no concept of money or space. It was most obvious whenever they were at Rhodey’s of Steve’s places because he was fascinated with how tiny the apartments they lived in were in comparison to that monstrosity of a place he lived in. As much as Tony wanted nothing to do with Howard they shared their over the top and absurd taste in… well, everything. Tony would never admit it but he and Howard had a lot in common, including being out of touch with reality when it came to money. Once Tony had commented that his closet was bigger than the apartment Steve and his mom lived in which had resulted in Rhodey, Steve’s mom, and Steve sharing a three way look and Rhodey had sighed in annoyance. “Not everyone is super rich like you Tony, living in New York is expensive,” Steve says, exasperated.

“Well duh, but I mean, this doesn’t look like it costs much,” Tony says, looking rather confused.

Rhodey snorts, “Man shut up, you think bread costs fifteen dollars, you have no idea what things cost.” Steve’s mom looks between Tony and Steve with a confused look on her face. Steve shrugs, it’s not like Tony had to do the grocery shopping so why would he know?

“You know what, screw you Rhodey. You’re always bitching that I don’t know how much bread costs but you never actually tell me how much bread costs,” Tony crosses his arms and taps his foot dramatically. That was another thing he and Howard had in common, dramatics.

“Just go to a grocery store and find the damn bread,” Steve’s mom snaps. She was rather irritated with her kid’s sudden habit of getting in copious amounts of trouble because of Tony and frankly had no problem letting him know. Not that Tony noticed, Steve suspected that regularly receiving death threats and having the paparazzi crawl up his ass desensitized him to all micro-aggressions, either that or he didn’t care. Both were equally likely.    

“I did, but then I got distracted by this cashier and ended up paying off her student loans and by then I forgot about the bread,” Tony says, looking lost and confused. His mom’s eyes bulge for a second because seriously, who had enough money to talk about casually paying off people’s student loans? “You know what, I’ll call Pepper.” He pulls out his phone and waits a few seconds, “yeah, no, it’s an emergency I swear. What does bread cost?” he asks. He frowns and looks at the phone, “I think she hung up on me,” he says. Steve smacks his palm to his face, he cannot believe Tony qualified finding out the cost of bread as an emergency. Poor Pepper, as if she didn’t have enough crap to deal with being Howard’s assistant.

  1.        DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE ANSWER TONY’S DRUNK PHONE CALLS. If you do he will NEVER STOP CALLING. DO YOU WANT THREE A.M PHONE CALLS? NO? DON’T ANSWER.



Example: I answered once and to this day he still calls me at ridiculous hours of the night to ask stupid shit like “what’s your favourite math equation”. The answer is that I hate math.  

It’s three in the morning when Steve’s phone starts to go off. He’d ignore it like the handbook tells him to but Tony was nice enough to give him the newest Stark phone so he felt obligated to answer. “Yeah?” he mumbled. If he was lucky Tony would make it quick. Probably not, Tony was worse than Polonius from Hamlet when he wanted to be.

“I fell like a dry wet nap,” Tony groans. Normally Steve would appreciate Tony’s strange but enjoyable humour but at the moment he wanted to clobber him. He had school tomorrow and so did Tony though he never seemed to show the effects of his late night binge drinking in public. Probably the result of having the paparazzi up his ass his whole life. Steve guessed he learned pretty fast to look perfect all the time, the rest of his family did even if it was far from the truth.

“That’s what happens when you drink your problems Tony, get a therapist,” he mumbles into his pillow.

“I don’t need a therapist, I have Pepper. Do you think insects have thoughts? I don’t wanna squish a fly with a family.” Steve sighs; he was in for a long night if Tony thought flies held any familial resemblance to humans.

“Pepper is not a licensed therapist Tony, plus that poor woman has enough to deal with working for that travesty you call a father. And no, insects to not model the nuclear family, or any other family model.  Most humans don’t either despite what idiot politicians like to spout.” He pulls himself into a sitting position and turns on his bedside lamp, maybe if he was lucky he could finish that homework he still had to do. Or better yet he could get Tony to do it; he certainly owes him after a discussion about fly families.

“Pepper managed to make Stark Industries nearly single handedly decimating the entire Middle East sound likes a good thing, she should be a therapist. She can make anything sound good. And I take offence to you calling my father a travesty, that is just so mean to all the travesties out there, they have not done anything to deserve such treatment,” Tony says haughtily, “and maybe flies have single parent homes, you don’t know.” Steve wishes Tony was there to appreciate the dramatic eye roll he just received, he put his whole face into it, Tony would be proud.

“Flies only live for like a month, tops, and they are extremely annoying. Who cares if they have families? So what happened this week for you to drown your sorrows, hmm? And you’re doing my math homework; remember to show your work and crew a couple up. I am not a genius, or good at math for that matter.” Tony had offered to tutor him once and it went horribly, Rhodey had to play referee while the two of them yelled at each other about trigonometry of all things. Tony seemed to be under the impression that everyone should be able to trig in their heads like he does. Steve told him that if he was going to be an ass he wasn’t helping him with English homework anymore and he can suffer with trying to figure out what the fuck the metaphors were with his stupid mathematical brain. Rhodey had been particularly displeased with that development and demanded they kissed and made up before he got stuck helping Tony with English again.

“Fine, flies don’t have families. If I turned into a cat would you keep me?” Tony asks.

“No, cat hair irritates my lungs and I value breathing more than you. Rhodey might keep you though, he likes cats. Of course that’s provided his mom doesn’t know it’s you, she’d probably send you to the humane society. Or PETA, you better hope for option one because PETA would euthanize you.”

“Ouch, yeah ok. So funny side note I was in line at Starbucks the other day and I heard these people talking and one of them said something along the lines of ‘’it’s my country!’. Anyways you know when you hear that its white people being racist so I started listening to their conversation for shits and it turned out it was a couple of disgruntled Canadians complaining about how people from the U.S call Timbits donut holes. From what I gather they are the same thing but the Canadians seemed insistent that they were to be called Timbits and that people from the U.S should know that before they cross the border. Or read the tag under the donut holes, anyways I thought it was hilarious that the Canadians were so pissed,” Tony says, snickering a bit.

He, for whatever reason, entertains Tony’s stupid scenarios and anecdotes while Tony answers his math questions. Steve makes sure to screws up a few because Tony was incapable of messing up a math question intentionally. The curses of being a genius and a perfectionist. “So,” he says after awhile, “what happened?” He figured Tony would talk now, he was mostly sober and he’d distracted himself long enough.

Tony makes a soft sound on the other end, sounding vulnerable for once. “I, ugh, I got in a fight with my dad,” he says quietly.

“I figured, what did he say that made finding the bottom of a bottle seem like a reasonable solution,” he doesn’t mean to sound like he’s judging Tony even if he kind of was but that’s how Tony took it.

“Look, you don’t get it, you don’t know what it’s like to be a disappointment to you dad,” he says and at least its true.

“No Tony, I don’t know what it’s like to be a disappointment to my father, mine is, well, dead. I have no idea what is going on in that head of yours, I’m not even going to try and figure it out otherwise I’ll have to come up for a reason why you’d try and stick six Twinkies in your mouth at once. I do know, however, that no matter how much you drink you’re not going to drown out your problems, Tony. That’s why alcoholics either learn to cope or die addicted, you’re a strong person Tony, you’ll get through this,” he murmurs, yawning. He was going to kick Tony’s ass tomorrow for this.

“I don’t feel strong,” Tony mumbles back.

“You may recall that Twinkie comment, yeah; you tried to stuff six Twinkies in your mouth in front of the whole school. I think you have to be pretty strong to publicly embarrass yourself like that and not actually give a damn. Like truly not give a damn, I don’t think I know anyone with enough confidence to have a serious conversation with Fury with Twinkie goo all over their face. And then there’s you.” Tony laughs, which is kind of the point so he feels a bit better. Tony, despite all his issues, was actually pretty amazing though Steve kept that to himself. No need to let Tony lord it over him if he told him.


	2. Chapter Two

3. Tony Stark takes dramatic to a whole new level; under no circumstances will he ever admit this. Ever.

Example: Tony once saw a spider in his room and had his house fumigated. Twice.

Steve and Peggy were on the roof avoiding homework when Tony decided to call, thankfully not intoxicated and prepared to ask stupid questions. “You are aware of texing right?” he says in place of an actual greeting.

“I’m aware. Mostly I find it easier to say whatever I have to say in a phone call though, plus I get stuck doing business on the phone all the time so I’m kind of used to it. Anyways Stark Expo is this weekend,” he says and stops in the middle of the sentence.

Steve waits a few beats and sighs, “and you’re mentioning this because…?” Peggy raises and eyebrow and he shrugs, Tony was weird.

Tony sighs dramatically; clearly this isn’t going how he imagined. “Well… um… do you wanna go? With me? Kind of, I have things to do and all that but I’ll be around eventually. You can bring your friends, I always here about them but I haven’t met them. Also Rhodey will be there so…” he trails off again. He was obviously nervous for some reason, Steve can’t really imagine why. He was _Tony Stark_ ; nothing seemed to faze him outside of arguments with Howard.  

“Hey Peg, wanna go to Stark Expo?” he asks Peggy, who is looking at him with a weird expression on her face.

“Sure why not, my Saturday night is embarrassingly free,” she says, lifting and dropping one shoulder in feigned indifference. Peggy, whether she admitted it or not, loved parties.

“You think everyone else will want to come?” Steve asks Peggy.

She snorts, “Tell Clint there will be free food, Thor loves parties and we can ditch Loki, Sam and Bucky will go if you do, and Nat will take any opportunity she can to avoid practicing for her recital. So yes, most likely.” Peggy recounts their friend list then nods, having counted everyone.

“Great, yeah, we’ll be there. Think I’ll have an opportunity to tell you dad he’s an ass for blowing people up and making money off it?” Peggy’s scrutinizing looks lifts then because his behaviour was no longer suspicious to her. He wrinkles his nose at her because contrary to Bucky’s and his mom’s beliefs he was not altering his personality so Tony liked him, maybe Peggy could tell them that now.    

“Please don’t,” Tony sighs, “I don’t want to listen to you two fight over necessary or unnecessary wars, he likes you right now and if he continues to like you I don’t have to listen to him complain about spending time with you,” poor Tony sounds strained and slightly annoyed. Howard was probably riding his ass about something then.

“I have no idea why he likes me,” he says because he doesn’t. Nothing he’s done or said around Howard should give him the opinion that they were on good terms.

“Something about having balls and standing up for what you believe in,” Tony makes an irritated noise.

Steve laughs, “So that’s what he calls it?” He thinks of the first time he met Howard and starts laughing. Wow, of all the possible ends to that situation gaining Howard’s respect wasn’t one of them.  

“What,” Tony and Peggy ask in sync, “I wanna know why he likes you now,” they say, still in sync. Peggy leans forward in interest and Tony’s unusual silence conveyed his curiosity.   

“Remember when I came over before that benefit thing?” he asks Tony, who makes a noise of acknowledgement, “well when you left me with him, thanks for that by the way, he decided to ask my opinion on his suit. I told him he should have been a comedian because he looked like a joke, I wasn’t under the impression that that could have been taken as a positive thing,” he says honestly. Peggy and Tony lose their shit laughing.

“I think I may be in love with you,” Tony says then squeaks in panic and ends the call. Steve doesn’t take it personally, it wasn’t like Tony told people he loved them often, he probably hadn’t meant it anyways.

*

Steve had, against his better judgement, went shopping with Tony for the stupid Expo and brought his friends along. His friends, the damn dirty traitors, had no problem with stuffing him into suits for their own amusement. Luckily Rhodey seemed to share his pain and hated Tony and his friends just as much. Also against his better judgement he told Thor it was fine to bring Loki along and the little shit bonded with Tony over their love of fucking with people. This resulted in talking Natasha into a dress that made her look like a redheaded Little Bo Peep and indulging Clint in a hideous pastel purple suit that he loved and Natasha hated. Surprisingly no deaths occurred over the dress but she had put her foot down with Clint’s suit and told him she’d dump his ass if he made her go out in public with him wearing it.  

In the end he ended up with a suit he didn’t want to know the price of, as did everyone else though Bucky tried hard to avoid it. Tony managed to talk Natasha and Peggy into a bunch of new clothes, plus shoes, because apparently neither of them had any qualms about spending Tony’s money. Natasha had told him to live a little and proceeded to tell Tony about all the expensive art supplies Steve wanted because she was clearly evil. Rhodey gave him disapproving looks the whole time, complaining about him not listening to the handbook. “What the hell was I supposed to do?” he hissed at Rhodey sometime later, “short of kneeing the tailor in the face and running off what _could_ I do?”

Rhodey shook his head, “you’re gunna regret this when you have an island you have no use for,” he warns.

“He’s not going to give me an island, that’s insane,” he reasons. He hopes Tony doesn’t buy him an island at least, what the hell would he do with it?

“In case you weren’t paying attention he _is_ insane, his shoes cost three thousand dollars, anyone who spends that much on footwear is nuts!” He shakes his head, “white people.” Sam, having overheard the last bit of the conversation quickly jumps in with all the dumb shit white people do. Steve is somewhat embarrassed that he’s the one in most of Sam’s ‘dumb white people’ stories. To be fair at least none of it was racist, just dumb. Like that time he tried to fight three guys with knives, even he had to admit that was rather stupid. Lucky for him Thor and Bucky saved his ass.

Rhodey shakes his head, “man, what kind of dumbass white people do you hang out with?” he asks after Sam tells his third story about Steve getting into a fight he had no chance of winning without actually mentioning names.

“He’s not _that_ dumb… he just has a tendency to not let things go when he should,” Sam says, sort of defending him.

“That’s the third story in which this idiot has managed to almost get himself killed,” Rhodey points out, raising an eyebrow.

Sam frowns, “wait, didn’t Tony manage to crash three cars in just as many days?” he asks, giving Rhodey dubious looks.

Rhodey sighs and looks over at Tony, who seems to be trying to talk Natasha into trying something on, “okay, it wasn’t crashed so much as smacked up a little, and he can afford it so why not? Actually I think he fixed them himself but still.” Sam is still giving him looks, “okay fine, you defend your dumb white people, I’ll defend mine, and we can both agree that they are dumb white people,” he says.

Sam laughs, “Yeah alright. So this one time we go on a school trip and Thor, the big idiot…” Steve tunes out in favour of listening to Peggy trying to talk Clint out of shoving an entire slice of pie in his mouth. It didn’t work and Clint got pie filling everywhere. People probably thought they were savages.

*

Stark Expo was as flashy (literally because they showed up with Tony and everyone decided to snap ten million pictures at once and blind him) as he expected. Actually it exceeded several of his expectations and not really in a good way despite what Howard thought when he said that. “Who the hell has the money to blow on something like this?” Sam asks Rhodey, who he seemed to have bonded to quite nicely.

“White people,” Rhodey says, shaking his head.

“Well it seems like a disproportionate number of rich people are also white, but that’s probably because the media likes to talk about gang members and shootings rather than black excellence,” Sam says.

“No really, you know how many people go to my school? Like three thousand kids. Wanna know how many of them aren’t white? Just enough so the school can point to us and say they aren’t  racist, skin tones range from white, off white, egg shell, slightly tan, pasty, and beige.” Rhodey shakes his head and Sam laughs.

Tony doesn’t take long to disappear, Howard had called him away after being there for ten minutes and he hadn’t been seen since. Clint naturally gravitated towards the food, Nat following him to make sure he behaved, or, more likely, to help him cause trouble. Peggy got stuck in a conversation she looked like she was bored with, Sam and Rhodey were still bonding and Thor and Loki had disappeared around the same time Tony had. He’d spotted Thor talking to a pretty girl in a red dress but that was the last he seen of him, he sincerely hoped Loki was close by and not starting shit.

He figured he’d go hang out with Clint and Natasha and find out where the hell Bucky went, “hey guys, do you know where Bucky ran off to?” he asks.

“If kno iea,” Clint says, spraying food bits everywhere. Natasha sighs and hands him a napkin with a long suffering glare.

“He says he has no idea, which is kind of weird because he’s been getting jealous of all the time you’re spending with Tony,” Nat says and gives him a look.

“What?” he asks, “it’s not like I don’t spend a lot of time with you guys, it’s about even actually.” He was pretty good with that, managing his time, the only time he had trouble with it was when he was avoiding math homework and he solved that once he got Tony to do it for him.  

Nat and Clint share a look, “aw, it’s so sweet you don’t know Bucky and Tony are totally in love with you and vying for your attention,” Nat shakes her head, “only you could be that dense,” she says. Clint nods along with her, mouth still full of food.

“That… is not true,” he says with no real conviction. Bucky had been kind of distant lately… he figured it was school stress or something. Now he felt like an ass. Not that Nat was right, clearly she was delusional but jealousy was still a possibility. It wasn’t like they had new friends enter their group often and usually they all met whomever at the same time, like when Sam moved and Steve hadn’t gotten that scholarship and switched schools yet. 

“Relax, Rogers, Bucky will forgive, provided you don’t date Tony. Then his nose will be all out of joint and we’ll have to smack some sense into him but I’m okay with that,” Nat grins and Clint takes a large step away, eyeing her suspiciously.

“Who are we smacking sense into?” Tony says, approaching from behind Steve. “Hopefully not me, my brain cells are precious and kind of the only thing I have going for me so I’d rather not lose them.” Tony drops his arm around his shoulder and draws him in, Steve lets him because why not. It wasn’t like Nat was right anyways. Bucky reappears then, scowling at Tony’s arm around his shoulder but Steve ignores it.

“Nah, we’re smacking Bucky,” Nat says and gives Bucky a pointed look that he ignores.

“What did I do?” Bucky asks in a halfassed attempt at mock offence.

“You know what you did, Barnes,” Natasha narrows her eyes at him. After an awkward few seconds of them staring each other down Natasha broke the moment by looking away though Steve got the distinct impression that Bucky had still lost that stare down. “Hey Clint, I’ll bet ten bucks you can’t fit seventeen shrimp in your mouth,” she says, grinning in delight because she knew damn well that Clint would take her up on that bet.

“Seventeen?” Tony asks, “What a stupid number, fifteen shrimp or twenty, none of that bullshit in-between numbers,” he says, flapping his arm around. Bucky looks at him like he’s stupid but everyone ignores him in favour of Clint taking a bet to shove twenty shrimp in his mouth.

Thor and Loki show up shortly after Clint starts stuffing shrimp in, Rhodey and Sam show up at shrimp fifteen, and Peggy shows up as Clint is stuffing shrimp twenty one into his mouth carefully. “Oh my god Clint, we can dress you up but we can’t take you anywhere,” Peggy scolds lightly, “how many shrimp has he managed to shove in there?” she asks.

“Twenty one,” Natasha says with a note of pride in her voice. They were adorable even if Steve had had zero faith in them when they first started dating. Though, to be fair all he knew about her at the time was that she was a ballet dancer and that everyone thought she was a Russian assassin. Now he knew she had a softer side and a strange love for Clint’s antics. And Clint, bless him, actually managed to mostly not screw it up.

“Oh my god, the rich kids are totally expecting Clint to get disowned, the adults are probably wondering who he belongs to,” Tony says, leaning into his hair so only he can hear him.

“That’s hilarious, I’ll bet you ten bucks that Clint and Nat can manage to get at least one kid to embarrass their parents by doing something dumb,” he says. Nat was a master at getting people to do what she wanted and Clint was never short on dumb ideas.   

“Twenty says the rich kids aren’t dumb enough to embarrass their parents,” Tony says, going with it.

“Fifty says I can get three idiots disowned tonight,” Loki jumps in, smelling a challenge.  

“I’ll take that, but you’re gunna owe me fifty bucks, there is no way anyone is going to be stupid enough to embarrass their parents at Stark Expo. This event is televised my friend, and rich kids may be reckless but they aren’t absolute idiots,” Tony sounds sure of himself but Loki snickers.

“Oh you, I _will_ win, I never back down from a challenge,” Loki saunters off with purpose, looking to go get some kids in shit.

Thor sighs, “I really wish you hadn’t done that,” he says but he sounds resigned to Loki’s no doubt stupid decision, “I’ll bet in favour of Loki,” he says. Everyone else quickly joins in, betting on Loki to do what he does best and screw shit up. Poor Tony, he was bound to lose and he didn’t even know it.

Tony got hauled away by Pepper shortly after that to mingle before being thrown on stage to give a speech he never mentioned. Rhodey gave Steve a look and he shook his head, time for Tony Stark to shine bright and dramatic like only he could. Steve was almost looking forward to Tony denying the dramatics of his sure to be overdramatic stage entrance.

A half hour after Tony got dragged off the lights dimmed and Howard stepped onto the stage to give a rather boring speech about the history of Stark Industries. Eventually he gave the stage over to, according to him, the future of Stark Industries, Rhodey had let out a loud snort at that. Steve thought it was convenient that he only ever complimented Tony in front of a large crowd, millions if he counted the people watching the televised event at home.

“Here we go,” Rhodey whispers, “time to shine bright like Tony Stark.”

Thor leans over, “what is that supposed to mean?” he asks as the stage fills with fog.

“Oh my god this is going to be pure gold, I can feel it my balls,” Clint says from behind them. Natasha laughs a little too loud of a second before calming herself.

“You’ll see,” Steve tells Thor as AC/ DC starts to play and the pyrotechnics and fireworks start.

“Okay people, bets, ten bucks says the first thing Tony says to us after he gets off that stage is that he isn’t that dramatic,” Rhodey says as Tony ascends from the freaking floor of the stage. Steve snickers, Tony is absolutely never _ever_ going to live this down.

“I’ll bet my life savings the first thing he says on stage is that he isn’t dramatic,” Bucky says grumpily, “you seriously like this guy?” he asks Steve.

“Hell yeah, where else would you get your fill of overdramatic entrances and expensive pranks?” Steve snipes back, growing irritated of Bucky’s attitude. 

Tony steps off the platform and all lights shine on him, “my friends like to tell me I’m dramatic, but really, I’m just a regular guy,” he says and the crowd laughs because they think the statement is a joke. They have no idea.  

Rhodey swears, “Your life savings better be like ten bucks,” he mumbles at Bucky, who laughs for the first time that night.


	3. Chapter Three

4. Tony is both the most selfish and selfless person you will ever meet.

Example: He paid for a trip to Italy then decided to abandon me at a party and flew back home without telling me. Pepper saved me and spent a good three hours guilt tripping Tony.     

Rhodey and Steve were sitting under the watchful glare of Fury’s one eye as Coulson explained what happened in great detail, making sure to express his disappointment in Steve in equally great detail. For once it sucked being Coulson’s favourite. What was worse was the fact that neither Rhodey nor Steve had anything to do with the damn bathroom flooding and when Tony saw them in there his first reaction was to walk faster instead of save their asses. “Wait, _what_?” he says when Coulson gets to the part where one of the stalls was inexplicably torched on the inside. He shares a look with Rhodey because the two of them know what happened. Goddamn Banner should not be allowed within two hundred feet of Tony, the two of them always manage to fuck something up with their damn experiments.

“See, I told you it wasn’t Steve,” Coulson hisses at Fury, flipping sides in seconds. Rhodey turns to Steve and gives him his ‘is this guy serious’ face. Fury, mercifully, comes to the same conclusion after glaring at them for an extra two minutes.

“Great,” Rhodey says and picks his stuff up to go.

“Oh no, you sit your asses down, you two didn’t do it but you know who did. Give it up,” he says, narrowing his good eye at them. Honestly Fury was the only person Steve could think of that could top Tony for dramatics, though to be fair Fury was much subtler about it. At least he chose to wear a black trench coat and an eye patch instead of absurd over the top entrances. 

Rhodey and Steve don’t even look at each other, “Justin Hammer,” they say in sync.

“We heard him talking earlier, something about an experiment going wrong on the second floor but I didn’t think anything of it until we got hauled in here,” Steve says, throwing in just enough detail to make the lie believable but not so much that the story sounded made up. Lying was a fine art that he only sucked at when his mom was giving him The Look, plus he was better at it than Rhodey and _way_ better at it than Tony, he couldn’t lie to save his life.

Fury sighs, “got get Hammer so I can suspend his dumb ass, you two are free to go,” he waves a hand to dismiss them. They hurry off quickly, before someone tries to double check their story.

*

The lunch room is unexpectedly loud because it’s raining and no one wanted to get soaked to get food. Tony, the absolute asshole, waves them over like he didn’t just abandon them with a possible criminal record for property damage. Steve and Rhodey already hashed out a plan so they go over to make Tony suffer. Rhodey picks up Tony’s phone and Steve steals his fries, Tony doesn’t pay attention to either action because he apparently thinks that he’s done nothing wrong. “So I owe you guys money, Loki managed to get seven people disowned, _seven_! Honestly that’s just showing off,” he says, oblivious to Rhodey dangling his phone over his drink.

“Yeah, what a shame,” Steve says without really caring much, “that’s almost as bad as almost getting arrested for property damage when you weren’t the one who did the damage.” At least the rich kids probably wouldn’t be permanently disowned, it wasn’t like a criminal record was easy to erase. With that Tony seems to come to the realization he’s done something wrong.

“What? You two didn’t get in trouble, and you guys managed to get Justin Hammer suspended, nice,” he grins at them. Steve and Rhodey exchange a look and Rhodey drops Tony’s phone into his drink and Steve drops his fries on his head.

“That’s for being an asshole and not thinking of the fact that Steve and I have scholarships to maintain. Just because Steve has managed to convince Coulson that you drag us into your messes and are therefore innocent bystanders doesn’t mean he won’t eventually catch on to the fact that Steve is playing his fool ass like a fiddle. Not to mention that if the cops got involved it wouldn’t have ended well for either of us, especially me, you know what the cops to do black boys! I can’t believe you left us to fry because you did some dumb ass experiment with Banner in the bathroom that somehow ended in both a fire and a flood. What is wrong with you, man?” Tony shrinks in appropriate shame and mumbles an apology that Rhodey rolls his eyes at. Steve snatches someone’s cheese fries and adds that to the pile still sitting on Tony’s head.

“Tony Stark, what did you do to a nice boy like Steve to have him throw cheese fries at you?” Coulson says, looking offended at even the possibility that Tony did something wrong.

Bruce chooses that moment to show up looking properly ashamed, probably having heard Hammer got suspended after Rhodey and Steve almost got in shit for his actions. “Ugh, sorry…” he says, fidgeting with his sweater.

Steve snatches someone’s salad and dumps it over his head. Behind him Coulson sighs, “stop throwing food at people, Steve, and you two,” he glares and Bruce and Tony, “apologize for whatever you did to Steve,” with that he walks away.

Bruce looks confused, “wait, did we just get in trouble for Steve throwing food on us?”

Rhodey shakes his head, “man, I want to know what the hell you did to convince that man that you’re a saint.”

“Simple, do what he asks of you and maybe a little extra here and there, with students acting like assholes all the time you look like a martyr. Then when you get in shit the teachers automatically assume the other kid started shit because they think it’s out of character for you to do such things.” It made things a lot easier when he inevitably got into a fight with some idiot. “Plus being small and asthmatic helps, no one thinks I’d be the one to initiate the fight no matter how many people said I did. That’s when being an outcast comes in handy, the teachers assume the witnesses are lying because they don’t like me. I figure if the rich kids made the system with the intent of fucking everyone else over I might as well cheat the system.” Simple logic.   

Bruce eyed him strangely, “I no longer wonder why the rich kids have stopped fucking with you, and it isn’t because Tony suddenly found you interesting.”

*

Clint and Natasha were in the midst of a competition to see who could eat six powdered donuts the fastest with Natasha in the lead by a half a donut. Tony had called three times but he let it go to voicemail so he could stew in his own stupidity for a while. “Are you going to answer him anytime soon?” Peggy asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Trouble in paradise?” Bucky asks. He looks entirely too pleased with this development.

“Oh shut up Bucky, your jealousy over Tony has made you extremely annoying to hang out with recently,” he snaps in part because he’s annoyed with Tony and partially because Bucky was actually being annoying. He probably would have apologized for snapping at him but the comment was true and he wasn’t going to apologize for telling the truth.

“Oh look, things are finally getting interesting,” Loki says, leaning forward in interest. Thor gives him a disapproving look but doesn’t say anything.

“Shugh uhhp okkiee,” Clint says around his final donut. Natasha smacks Clint in the gut, causing him to spew white powder everywhere.

“For god sakes Clint, you’re supposed to swallow it, not spit it out,” Loki says, deadpan and unaware of the obvious sex joke.

Nat nearly chokes on her donut and Clint spews more white powder, everyone else laughs until Loki clues in and makes a face, “you people sicken me,” he says sourly.

“Oh Loki, you’ll enjoy sex jokes eventually,” Thor says, still snickering.

“No I will not, sex and everything to do with it is just… _ugh_ ,” Loki looks like he’s just swallowed a basket of lemons. Thor ruffles his hair and Loki smacks his hand away, “I’m a sixteen year old boy, not a pet. Keep your grubby hands to yourself,” he neatly arranges his hair.

Steve’s phone starts vibrating again, he probably would have hung up again but Loki snatches the phone and answers it, putting it on speaker phone. “He thinks you need to be punished but I’m bored with that and I want to know what he says to your proposition” Loki says. Steve frowns, how the hell would Loki know anything about whatever it was Tony had to say? “Don’t look at me like that Rogers, if you had’ve answered your phone like a normal person you’d already know. Now go ahead,” he says to Tony, making hand gestures Tony couldn’t see anyways.

“Right, okay. So who has plans for Christmas?” Tony asks.

Thor opens his mouth, presumably to answer, but Loki stuffs one of Clint’s Twinkies in there before he can say anything. Thor gives Loki a strange look but chews on the Twinkie while Peggy and Bucky lament about being stuck at family gatherings, Natasha had no plans, she signed Tony’s question to Clint, who also had no plans, and Steve’s mom probably had to work. “Thor and I are free,” Loki says and Thor makes a face.

“We are not,” he says around the Twinkie.

“Yes, we are,” Loki hisses, “I will _not_ sit through however many family gatherings listening to how awesome you are, and your grades are so good, and you play basketball, and you have a girlfriend now, and you’re probably going to go to Yale to be a lawyer. What about the other one they’ll ask. And dad will say, oh, when I found him in the dumpster I thought he was a racoon but when I brought it to the humane society I was informed that it was in fact a child. So I took it home because no one else wanted it and I felt kind of bad, now I realized I may have over committed but I can’t take it back. Then people will feel awkward and they’ll ask about my grades, and if I play sports, and if I have a girlfriend, and where I’m going to go to school. Then it’ll be well, Loki is constantly in trouble, who cares if his grades are better than Thor’s, and he hates sports with the fiery passion of five thousand burning suns, how could I _possibly_ love him now, and we’re not sure if he’ll get into school because he causes so much trouble. Oh and no, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he’s actually asexual which basically means he’s a house plant with a mouth, that doesn’t at all mean he’ll never have a girlfriend but never mind that. And, might I add, asexuals are not like house plants with mouths because _plants don’t have fucking sexualities because they are plants goddamnit!_ ” Loki yells, finishing his long winded rant breathing heavily while everyone else laughs aside from Thor, who looks concerned.

 _Wow_ and he thought Tony was dramatic, Loki brought dramatic to a whole new level. Honestly being found in the trash? If he was going to lie he should have at least made it believable. “My favourite thing about that rant was that you were so misshapen and hairy as a baby you could be mistaken for a raccoon,” Tony says, starting a whole new fit of giggles.

“For god’s sake people, that isn’t funny!” Thor says, offended on his brother’s behalf, “I’ll talk to dad, I’m sure I can get us out of Christmas gatherings. And to be fair you were not abandoned _in_ the trash, you were beside it, and you can’t blame dad for thinking the rustling was a racoon,” Thor frowns, concerned for Loki’s feelings though Steve doubted he had any. Loki shook his head at Thor, narrowing his eyes at him, obviously not caring about the details of Odin finding him.     

“Oh my god,” Tony wheezes, “that story was true? Oh my god that is not funny I am laughing so hard right now I am actual trash. Wait, that’s where Loki was dumped, that’s insensitive. Oh god I said that out loud I _am_ trash. It’s like when people tell you to think about dead kittens to prevent you from laughing but it makes you laugh harder even though dead kittens are sad. My god I am a train wreck,” Tony says between laughs. Clint was on the ground laughing so hard he was no longer making noise and Bucky sounded like a squeak toy for dogs that had been chewed on so much it only made small wheezing noises. Natasha and Peggy at least tried to hide their laughter; Thor still looked largely offended at his friends.

“Get to the point, Stark,” Loki snaps, annoyed at being the butt of the joke. Though to be fair none of them knew that wasn’t actually a very bad lie when they started laughing; now it was just sad.

“Okay, now that we have all sufficiently displayed that we are, indeed, incredibly shitty people-”

“You should all feel properly ashamed,” Thor throws in, scrutinizing everyone but especially Steve. That was the only downside to being the “good one”, everyone expected you to always live up to their standards for you.

“Wow, yeah, who wants to go to Paris for Christmas?” Tony asks.

“Oh come on,” Peggy yells, “why does my aunt Muriel have to have to take up time I could be spending in Paris?” She makes a frustrated noise and flops into the back cushions of the couch.

“Oh please, I have to spend time with my cousins, last year they tried to steal my prosthetic arm. They _nearly stole my entire left arm_ Peggy, that is way worse than dealing with your aunt Muriel trying to set you up with college guys. Tell your aunt Muriel to set _me_ up with college guys,” Bucky makes a face.

“Oh me too, as long as there is not sex I don’t really care about gender,” Loki throws in. Peggy looks horrified.  

“No, I am not telling aunt Muriel to set you two up, her picks are awful anyways, they all resemble Steve and act like him too,” she laments.

“What’s wrong with Steve,” Tony and Bucky ask in sync, sounding offended on Steve’s behalf.

“The fact that we dated and it didn’t work out so she probably doesn’t want to date someone who is basically me but taller?” Steve points out.

Peggy looks relieved that he hadn’t taken that badly, “exactly,” she says. “Besides, I took her up on it once and it turned out the poor thing was gay and didn’t want to disappoint his family, never again.”

“Tell her you’re a lesbian, maybe that will help,” Tony offers.

“Great, got any advice for cousins trying to steal your arm?” Bucky asks.

“That depends; do they make stupid jokes about needing a hand?” Tony asks.

“Obviously,” Bucky says, rolling his eyes.

“Well then, next time they ask detach your arm and smack them with it and ask if they need two hands and smack them with your right hand too” he says. Clint, who had just recovered from Loki starts laughing again. “Also I didn’t hear Sam, please tell me he has no plans, he and Rhodey have bonded nicely. You know what, on second thought no one tell Sam,” Tony says, sounding slightly panicked.

“Oh my god Tony, Sam isn’t replacing you. Also he has some family gathering three states away that his family is driving to, he’s been complaining about it since June so he can’t go anyways,” Steve rolls his eyes at Tony, realizing he can’t see a little too late. “Also if this is to make up for nearly getting me arrested you’re on your way to success,” he says and grabs the phone out of Loki’s hand to end the call.

“Wait, you almost got arrested because of him?” Bucky asks, looking pissed off.

“Oh, the golden boy gets in shit. Do tell _that_ story,” Loki grins and sits in the chair he occupied previous to snatching his phone to answer it. He sighs and tells them about Tony’s misadventures in the bathroom with Bruce to the part where he dropped cheese fries on Tony’s head, resulting in Tony  getting in shit from Coulson for being rude to Steve. Bucky thought that in particular was hilarious.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of dubcon mentioned? Frankly I wouldn't think it needed a warning but still, I throw it out there because I wasn't raised in the jungle.

5. DO NOT compare him to Howard EVER, even if the comparison is valid.

Example: once he was being an overly dramatic duchebag so I told him he was acting like Howard, he didn’t speak to me for a month.

“Clint you can’t just leave without telling your foster family where you’re going,” Natasha says, giving him a disapproving look.

“Oh come on, they won’t even notice I’m gone,” Clint reasons. Nat doesn’t give let up on her disappointed face, Clint sighs and pulls out his phone, making faces at Nat while it rings. “Wow, someone answered the phone. Nice, well it’s Clint, I’m going to be gone for a couple weeks, I’ve actually already been gone for three days. Oh, you didn’t know I was gone, big surprise, I guess it won’t make a difference to you if I’m gone then. Bye!” he chirps and hangs up.

“If it makes you feel better my dad accidentally forgot me in Germany once,” Tony says, patting Clint on the back in a sorry attempt at comforting him.

“Once dad forgot Loki at a taco bell,” Thor throws in much to Loki’s annoyance.

“He’d never forget you at a taco bell,” Loki mutters under his breath.

“Wow, it took me like three hours to convince my mom that I won’t die in Paris and your parents manage to forget entire children in another country and in fast food restaurants. Unbelievable,” he snatches Tony’s sun glasses off his head, “I think Gucci looks better on me,” he says to Tony, grinning.

“They suit you,” Tony says. He throws an arm around Steve’s shoulders, “now follow me, we’re taking the private jet.”

“Now this is how you travel,” Loki says, hurrying to catch up and looking excited.

“So I’m curious, how the hell did it only take three hours for you to convince your mom you won’t drop dead in Paris? It took Rhodey a week to convince his mom,” Tony flops into his seat, clearly comfortable there. He probably spent a good amount of time flying though so that was unsurprising.

“Yes, please tell me how to convince my mother Tony is not the actual devil,” Rhodey says, side eying Tony.

“Ugh, well it helps that my mother isn’t actually convinced Tony is the spawn of Satan,” he says, “but for the most part her worry was my health and after two and a half hours of arguing I got annoyed and pointed out that cost is the only real worry she should have, it isn’t as if Paris has no hospitals, and it isn’t as if you guys are short on money. Actually I pointed out that you were way more equipped to handle my heath than she was and that we never did anything on Christmas anyways so her problem was that she didn’t like you and that’s a dumb reason to turn down a free trip. I think I kind of guilt tripped permission out of her but it wasn’t like I wasn’t telling the truth so I’m not apologizing,” he says logically. Besides, his mom always told him he should only apologize when he meant it and he sure as hell wouldn’t mean any apology he gave her even if he did feel kind of bad. It wasn’t his fault he was right, wasn’t his mom’s either, it just was.

“Ouch,” Rhodey says, winching, “damn Rogers, you know how to hit where it hurts.”

Steve throws his hands up in frustration, “oh come on, I told the truth! What’s so bad about that?”

Loki snorts, “only you could be so stupid. I find that when I want to hurt someone’s feelings the truth is far more vicious than any lie could ever be, not matter how carefully constructed,” he says lightly.

Steve rolls his eyes, “well unlike you Loki, I have a soul and I wasn’t trying to crush my mother’s spirits, I was just pointing out the obvious.” Good _god_ , how hard was that to understand?

Thor throws his arm around Loki protectively, pulling him into his side, “Loki has a soul!” he says, outraged at the suggestion that Loki was soulless. Loki made a face and immediately started trying to wiggle free.

“Does not,” Nat argues, “and if it makes you feel better Steve, your unwillingness to wrap the truth up in pretty little euphemisms is the reason I like you best.” Clint, having caught the last part of what she said via lip reading, looks deeply offended.

*

Three hours later they all found themselves sitting around a table with a fairly sizeable collection of booze playing a modified game of Never Have I Ever. The modification was that whomever everyone thought had the most interesting story had to tell it, most of the time that was Steve, Tony, or Loki. Tony and Loki he understood, but he didn’t understand the interest in himself. Rhodey said it was because he had this goody-two shoes image that obviously did not add up with reality, he didn’t even know what that meant and he was a bit too drunk to care. But then everyone was drunk, even Loki after Tony managed to calm Thor’s protests and point out that Loki couldn’t exactly do himself or anyone else any damage on a plane.

Somewhere in the midst of shots and answering some very personal questions he ended up sitting mostly in Tony’s lap with Tony’s arm wrapped tightly around his waist. “Ugh… never have I ever done something sexual with a teacher,” Tony says, squinting hard in thought. Literally all his friends, the god damn dirt traitors, looked at him. Out of the corner of his eye though, he saw Loki take a shot. Thankfully Thor also noticed and immediately scrutinized Loki, probably because Loki thought sex was a base instinct that was dragging humanity as a whole down and he had clearly evolved beyond such trivial things.

“While Steve’s story is definitely interesting I am more interested in what the hell Loki was doing with a teacher,” Thor says, his voice taking on the fiercely protective edge it usually did when he was worried for Loki.

Loki sighs, seemingly understanding that he wasn’t going to weasel out of this. “Okay, so I kind of stretched the truth, technically she’s a teacher’s assistant. And I blatantly lied about my age. And who I was, she thinks I’m you,” he says to Thor, “and I told her you’re nineteen. Besides, she graduated a year early from high school, so the actual age difference wasn’t that creepy. Other than that no lies though, and I only told her I was you in the off chance she might mention me to dad, I didn’t want him to know I snuck into one of his lectures and slept with his TA. He’d forgive you but he’d probably stick me back in the trash. Also you’re closer to a legal age. I would also like to mention that even though the situation is a tad extremely fucked up I was sensational, that’s a quote,” he says looking surprisingly dismayed at this. He sighs, “once again I prove to be exceptional at something I’m not fond of,” he looks out the plane window, “like math.”   

For a minute everyone stared while Nat finishes signing that rather… _interesting_ tale to Clint, who nearly chokes on his own saliva. “He compared sex to math, _what the fuck_!” Clint yells, clearly offended by the comparison. Nat doesn’t bother to tell him to quiet down; they were all aware Clint’s volume control stopped existing when he was dunk. It wasn’t like he could help being deaf.

“What’s wrong with math?” Tony says, genuinely confused, “I like math.”

Nat signs this to Clint, who squints at Tony, “do you love yourself?”

“Yeah, yeah, Loki had a sexual experience, Tony hates himself, Clint is offended that sex was compared to math, I don’t care. Admit you blew Coulson and that’s why he thinks you’re a saint,” Rhodey says, leaning forward in obvious interest in Steve’s sex life.

“Is no one concerned that Loki lied to someone with the intent of having sex?” Thor says, giving Loki judge-y looks. Loki rolls his eyes, of course he wouldn’t care, soulless ass.

“Oh my god, I did not blow Coulson!” he says, outraged, “it was last year, and he hardly counts as a teacher, I mean it was an art camp. It doesn’t even count, and no sex happened so no, it does _not_ count,” he insists.

“Loki _lied about his identity_ people, why do you care about Steve trading blowjobs with art teachers? We need to have a discussion about when it is inappropriate to lie to people, Loki,” Thor says, using his teacher tone. It was one he rarely used with Loki because it never worked.

“It was a summer long fling and he still sends you letters, Steve, it counts,” Nat says, raising an eyebrow.

“It does not! And it was not a summer long, it was six weeks, and there was a week-long break in between so really it was five weeks. And there are no letters, Bucky made that up,” he mumbles, “Also Thor, it is never appropriate to lie,” he says, trying to shift the attention back to Loki’s misdeeds.  

“Did he say no sex?” Clint yells, “That’s a lie! Peggy told totally told me he lost his V card to the hot art teacher!” he cackles loudly.

“That’s not true;” he yells back, “Peggy has been giving a bad rep! I did not sleep with the hot art teacher, there were just kisses and cuddles you sex crazed freaks. Except Loki, he’s just a freak. Not because you’re asexual though, just to be clear, you’re a freak because you have the personality of a sponge cake that’s been dropped on the ground.” Loki shrugs at this but Thor looks deeply offended on Loki’s behalf.

“I like cuddles,” Loki admits wistfully, and, from the look on his face, unintentionally.

Thor grins, “You like cuddling? I knew it! Everyone says you’re cold and uncaring but I knew you were a softie,” Thor says, beaming at his brother. Loki looked horrified though it was unclear if that was because Thor labelled him a softie or because he accidentally admitted he liked to cuddle.

“Okay, so Loki has a soul and that’s nice and all but can we get back to Steve being a blushing virgin because that makes me happy,” Tony grins at Steve.

Steve carefully shifts so he can look at Tony without wiggling out of his grasp, “and that matters to you why?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Cuz you coulda been sweet talked by some asshole and ended up heartbroken, happens a lot with me. Except in the asshole usually, you should probably avoid me, I have a bad habit of breaking everything I touch,” he says sadly.

“Me too,” Loki chimes in, “I find that not caring about anything works well, after that when you ruin something it’s kind of funny in a morbid sort of way,” he shrugs. Thor pats his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him and Loki shakes him off, looking annoyed.

“You don’t break everything you touch, Loki, but you shouldn’t lie to people about your identity and have sex with them, that’s not very nice,” Thor says, apparently unwilling to let that go.

“Jesus, we are going to need way more goddamn alcohol if we’re having this discussion,” Nat says, “so how about we don’t, yeah? So let’s get back to the game. Never have I ever committed arson,” she says and takes a shot. Everyone else but Rhodey is quick to follow.

Rhodey looks between them all, “seriously, all of you? What the fuck? White people,” he says and rubs his temples, sighing deeply.

“Steve’s story is totally the best!” Clint yells, cackling.

“Oh my god guys, it was one time and it was an accident, it’s not my fault I’m so clumsy! That doesn’t even count as arson you assholes, I was thinking about Nat’s shed,” he tries to shield his face in shame with little success.

“Well what did he accidentally burn?” Rhodey asks.

“A church,” Nat says, snickering.

“You burnt down a _church_! Lord all mighty, save from these goddamn savages, a _church_! What the hell is wrong with you? _White people_ ,” Rhodey sits back in his seat and shakes his head.

“I was like nine and it was an accident, I tripped and a candle fell and I panicked. Plus I didn’t burn it down, the alter was just a little… crispy. It only took them like a week to fix the damages and it was an _accident_!” he cries, because seriously he wouldn’t _burn down a church_ intentionally. Tony and Loki are cackling madly and Thor is shaking his head at him, obviously he hadn’t heard that story.

*

They got to Paris dead tired and still mostly drunk, piled into the limo sent to pick them up and promptly fell asleep. When they got to the house Tony apparently had in Paris, who knew, none of them were even awake or sober enough to appreciate its beauty. They all managed to make it to Tony’s room with minimal damages and promptly passed out on his floor, except for Steve, who passed out in Tony’s bed with Tony half laying on him.

It wasn’t until hours later, or maybe minutes, Steve had no idea, that they were rudely interrupted by Howard. The light randomly flips on and all of them groan and cringe in sync, “hey guys, how was the flight?” Howard asks loudly, clearly drunk.

“Oh my god Howard, turn off the light, they’re trying to sleep,” someone, presumably Maria, says.

“They want the light on,” Howard protests. Tony makes a loud groaning noise to indicate the contrary. He’s pretty sure Loki slurs out a death threat but it was too mumbled to hear.  

“No they don’t, leave them alone and talk to them in the morning when they are actually awake,” Maria says, sighing.

“But I need to science and Tony will help with the things and we can blow things up together! Its bonding!” he says with emphasis.

“You can do science after you’ve slept Howard, leave Tony and his friends alone and let them sleep,” Maria says, laughing softly.

“Science doesn’t sleep Maria, there are things to do, and discoveries to make, and things to blow up!” he says excitedly and stamps his foot for emphasis.

Steve laughs into Tony’s chest, “he reminds me of you,” he mumbles. When Tony rolls away he doesn’t think anything of it, his bed was huge and Steve was tired as hell.

Maria and Howard continue to argue for a few minutes before Natasha sits straight up, “if you don’t turn off that light and go away right now I will rip that moustache straight off your face and shove up it up your asshole!” she yells.

Curious Steve pokes his head up to see Howard’s face. He looks confused and slightly scared before he squints at her, “but how would you do that? That’s so many hairs, how will you keep track? And why that particular hole? It would make more sense to shove it down my throat, why wouldn’t you do that?” he babbles on, questioning Nat’s crappy thought process until she goes to actually get up. Then Howard grabs Maria and pushes her in front of him, “no! Save me from the scary teen!” he yells and runs away. Maria sighs and turns out the light, apologizing before she closes the door and leaves.

“I hope he falls down the stairs and breaks his neck,” Loki snarls. Tony’s snickers quickly turn to snores.

The next morning was something of an adventure. Tony was not subtle whatsoever so Steve noticed his frostiness right away and asks Rhodey what was up. “Did you even read the hand book?” he asks, looking irritated with Steve, “what did it say about comparing him to Howard?” Rhodey raises an eyebrow and starts tapping his foot. If it wasn’t for the fact that Tony was being an ass Rhodey’s mimicking Tony’s behaviour would have been hilarious.

“Oh for god’s sake, _that’s_ why he’s mad?” Rhodey doesn’t let up on his judgemental look, “I’ll go find him,” Steve grumbles and heads towards the basement because that’s where the labs were. Who the hell had _science labs_ in their house anyways? Or houses, he guessed, in the case of the Starks.                      

When he gets there Tony is talking animatedly to Bruce via Skype about some experiment they were going to try. He looks around the wide space and found it was surprisingly neat with the exception of Tony’s desk, which was a disaster. The walls were mostly bare on one side and on the other things were on display, presumably things Tony or Howard made, and a couple of pictures. One in particular catches his eye so he looks closer at it and laughs, “’Stark Naked’, nice, very puny,” he says. The picture is of some tabloid magazine with Howard presumably naked and making an attempt to avoid the cameras.

Bruce laughs, “Oh man, I remember that! That was hilarious,” he says.

Tony laughs too, “yeah, it’s one of my favourite headlines, dad hates it so I framed it and put it on the wall,” Tony tells Bruce, decidedly ignoring Steve. He makes sure to make lots of noise walking towards Tony to attract his attention before rolling his eyes dramatically, putting his whole face into it so Tony knew how fucking stupid he was being.

“I get you don’t like your dad, I do, but ignoring someone for making an offhand comment at god knows what o’clock half asleep and half-drunk is just fucking dumb, Tony,” he gets straight to the point because if he doesn’t Tony will either bolt or try and distract him then bolt.

Tony goes from frosty to pissed in the time it takes Steve to complete his sentence, “and you wouldn’t be pissed if you were compared to that?” Tony snaps, “He’s _embarrassing_ ,” he says, looking away in anger but Steve can see the genuine hurt there.

He sighs, “Yeah sure, Howard made a total fool of himself and embarrassed you, but shouldn’t that make you curious as to _why_ I would have been reminded of you? _Sit down_ Tony! For god’s sake I get that you have issues, don’t we all, but maybe you should try and address them instead of running from them. No matter how fast you run you can’t outrun yourself so you might as well do something about it before you get eaten alive. Now I get you and Howard don’t have the best of relationships but there is no shame in being like him, shut your mouth Tony and let me finish. Howard loves science, he cares about that more than almost anything else in his life, he’s ambitious, funny, charming, and a leader. You’re all of those things too, and I know Howard doesn’t exactly use those traits for the best of things but that has no bearing on you. Just because you’re both passionate about science doesn’t mean that twenty years from now you’re going to be supper annoying and wake up everyone in the house to blabber on about it. Which, by the way, you do when you wake Rhodey and I up at stupid o’clock in the morning drunk to talk about whatever experiment you’ve been working on so maybe you should stop that,” he says.

Tony... Tony looked so sad he almost felt like apologizing for pointing out the obvious but he didn’t. Tony was a big boy; Steve had faith he could find a way to deal that didn’t involve finding the bottom of a bottle of scotch. “Look Tony, Howard’s habits have developed over decades, you’ve only just started to pick up his bad habits. Besides, you might be like Howard in a lot of ways but you’re a far cry from being his clone. Howard is cold and uncaring to almost everything and try as you might you develop fierce connections to the things and people you care about and you do everything in your power to make the people you care about happy. Rhodey could ask for anything and you’d make sure he got it, like that time you bought him an island. The point is being _like_ Howard doesn’t mean you _are_ him and if you don’t want to end up like him I suggest you look at where he went wrong and don’t do that. Shouldn’t be much of an issue, you’ve never been fond of being anything less than original.”

Tony wheels himself closer in his chair and presses his head to Steve’s stomach, “this is why I like you, you know. Rhodey, I love him, but his solution to every problem he has is to avoid what caused the problem to begin with, while that’s fine sometimes it doesn’t really work with people. You actually _deal_ with things. It’s kind of refreshing,” Tony nuzzles his stomach and he fights the urge to laugh or kick Tony in the face because it tickles. Instead he runs his hand through Tony’s thick, unruly hair and finds it’s a lot softer than it looks.

From the computer Bruce clears his throat, “while this live action soap opera is fascinating I’ve got like twenty minutes before my mom forces me to socialize and I want to see some shit blow up so I can imagine it’s my head while I’m in metaphorical hell. Seriously lovers, my cousins are great from afar but up close? Not so much. And by afar I mean several states away, in the middle of a forest, hopefully in a penitentiary. Also tell Rhodes he owes me fifty bucks, obviously a romantic trip to Paris was going to get you two together.”

Tony looks at the computer in surprise, like he forgot Bruce was there. He grins at Steve, “you think if we make out for twenty minutes he’ll sit there in hopes something blows up?” he asks.

He looks at Bruce, who is slowly shaking his head in horror because he knows exactly where this is going, “there’s only one way to find out,” he smirks at Bruce.

Bruce leans in closer to the computer, “don’t you fucking do this to me, Stark, I know all your hidey holes I piss on your generator so help me god! And your kissing, fine, be that way but know that your generator will be pissed on,” Bruce says and ends the call.

Tony pulls away, “I’m calling him back, I’ve been working on that generator for months and I can’t have Bruce pissing on it.”

Steve raises an eyebrow and ignores the fluttering in his stomach from Tony’s kiss, “you seriously think he’d do that?” Tony maybe, but Bruce was usually mature, unless someone suggested some ridiculous experiment that involved something blowing up at some point.

“I don’t really want to take my chances, remember the last time he got pissed off?” Tony asks, Skype calling Bruce back.

“Right, good point. Poor Coulson,” he shakes his head. Not that Bruce had intended Coulson to be the victim of his rage, or his actual target dodging but still. Poor Coulson, he didn’t get paid enough to deal with rich kid’s shit.


	5. Chapter Five

6. While receiving gifts from Tony might be nice DO NOT ACCEPT THEM, eventually they will become large outrageous things you have no use for.

 Example: Do you want an island? I didn’t.

The presents started small so at first he didn’t notice, and Tony, the sly bastard, had a very bad habit of simply replacing old things with new things and Steve had become accustomed to it. First was the phone, then he casually left a StarkPad behind when he came over one day, then a laptop, then another StarkPad. Things had progressed from there until Steve had somehow accumulated a whole new wardrobe, all new bedroom furniture, a T.V, a bunch of random knickknacks, and a crapton of art supplies. It hadn’t stopped with him either, Clint got new hearing aids made by Tony and a bunch of archery equipment that his foster family had reacted terribly to. Tony’s solution was for Clint to move in with him for shits just to see how long it took for his parents to notice. It didn’t help that Clint’s call home about that trip to Paris had sent him to the answering machine but he hadn’t noticed because he’s deaf, why the hell would he make a phone call? He didn’t answer his phone in Paris for the same reason, it would be pointless to answer a call he couldn’t actually listen to. When Nat had given him looks he told her it was her fault for not considering his lack of hearing.

Peggy had gotten a bunch of new clothes and an internship at Stark Industries that had sent a glowing recommendation to all of the schools she applied to. Nat got also got a new wardrobe and a frightening amount of weapons, Bucky got a new arm that he stopped trying to resist because it was way better than his current prosthetic. They were all floored when Tony labelled the prototype a useless piece of junk despite his having made a major breakthrough in biomedical technology; even Howard had noticed Tony for about five minutes. Everyone else was still talking about Tony’s breakthrough and how amazing it was that he developed it fucking around in the lab. Sam had scored a new wardrobe and a massive shoe collection, who even needed that many shoes, and he was upgraded to Tony’s and Bruce’s lab buddy. Loki was Tony’s new travel buddy and Thor got science equipment for Jane, who had also been upgraded to science buddy, which had made him almost happier than her. Even his mom was reaping the benefits of his relationship with Tony; she ended up getting a job as Pepper Potts’ assistant, a much more difficult job than one would expect, and the job came with full health benefits and a huge pay raise.

All of this happened slowly though, so when they finally realized they were sitting on new furniture in the new apartment they had recently moved into with no real knowledge of just how far Tony had rooted himself into their lives. They were watching T.V eating… something that was kind of like ice cream but with some odd label neither of them had seen before. “What even _is_ this?” his mom asks, looking at the carton in confusion.

“Frozen yogurt I think,” he says back without paying much attention. He was much more interested in Tony feverishly telling a reporter about all the problems his arm prototype had. He was steadily growing more frustrated every time he received more praise. The media had of course noticed this weeks ago and wondered why Tony Stark, attention whore galore, was suddenly uncomfortable with attention but hadn’t come up with an answer. The answer, to put it simply, was that Tony was pissed someone was watching his process of work rather than simply being presented with a perfect product. He was an absolute perfectionist and people seeing the problems his work had made him anxious.

“Where did we get it?” she asks, still staring at the carton.

He shrugs, “I dunno, you usually do the grocery shopping after that one time I accidentally managed to lose like half of them on my way home somehow,” he says absently, watching Tony throw up his hands in frustration and abandon the reporter to go elsewhere.

“Well I didn’t buy this,” she says, frowning.

“Then Tony probably brought it over and left it here, honestly he’d forget his head if it wasn’t attached,” he changes the channel to something else now that Tony is gone, news usually did nothing but irritate him anyways.

“I opened it myself,” she says.

He snorts, “That means nothing, I moved my bed yesterday and found like fifty bags of unopened chips, six boxes of Twinkies, and a cat under there. Did you know we had a cat?” he asks. They’ve never had pets before, mostly because they couldn’t afford them and pet hair and dander would irritate his lungs.

His mom looks at him weird, “we have a cat? Why would we have a cat? Pet hair irritates your lungs. Wait, you moved your bed yesterday? By yourself? When’s the last time you used your inhaler?” she asks.

He thinks about it for a minute and frowns, “I don’t know. I don’t even know where it is actually…”the look at each other than get up and start searching the apartment. An hour later they have unearthed a rather large mountain of food that was hidden in random cracks and crevices, no doubt stuffed there by Tony, and that they didn’t own anything they had a year ago.

Steve figured it was time to call Rhodey and ask what the fuck was going on because not even the food was theirs, and the cat litter was clean. You can’t clean cat litter if you don’t even know you own a cat. He scoops the cat up and plops it in his lap because he feels bad for neglecting the poor thing and dials Rhodey’s number. Rhodey answers with a prolonged sigh instead of an actual greeting, apparently he has sensed that Steve has broken some handbook rule.

“Okay, none of the stuff we own is ours and we have a cat, we didn’t even know we had a cat until yesterday. And where did my asthma go, Tony can’t cure asthma, I draw the freaking line there because that is absurd,” he says, panicking slightly. How the hell was it possible that he didn’t notice any of this? Was he blind? He was so going to have a talk with Tony about this and he was not going to let him escape either.

“Okay, how much food did you find stored in random places?” Rhodey asks, Steve tells him he could probably feed an army of small children, “is the cat’s name Snuffleupagus?” he asks. Steve frowns because that’s a weird question and looks down at the cat, spying a collar with a tag. The cat’s name was Snuffleupagus. Poor thing.

“Well then congratulations, Tony Stark will now be like a hydra in your life, chop off one head and two will grow in its place. But like, in a less menacing, loving kind of way rather than a creepy villain kind of way,” he says. His mom gives the phone a weird look at that, he doesn’t blame her.  

“Ugh, okay? Does this mean he’s gunna buy me an island any time soon because I would really rather not have one of those.” He had better uses for Tony’s money if he insisted on spending stupid amounts of money on him, like donating to a homeless shelter or something. Maybe a muzzle for Loki, that kind of thing.

“Nah, the island was specific to me I think, you’ll probably get your own absurd and no doubt useless gift,” Rhodey says, sounding exhausted. He was probably done with all of their shit, Tony was a handful and a half, especially when he got in one of those moods where he sort of lashed out at everything except for Nat, Peggy, and Pepper but that’s because he knew better.

”Great, is this reversible?” he asks, he was pretty sure it was a no but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have hope.

“Oh my god, all that trouble I went through to write that damn manual and you just ignore everything and do everything all willy-nilly your way. No, this is not reversible you goddamn pancake. Goodbye,” he says and hangs up.

His mom gives him a weird look, “did he just insult you by calling you a pancake?” she asks.

“Ugh, yeah I guess he did,” he shrugs.

“What the hell kind of teens make up your generation? You care about the environment, you party responsibly and call each other pancakes instead of actual insults,” she says, looking more confused than she really should.

“Are those things… bad? Because I can go out and do a shit ton of coke, watch Freddy Kruger on acid and freak out, and get pregnant young like you did if you’d like. I mean, the pregnancy thing might be a bit hard to swing but I’ll find a way,” he jokes.

His mom snorts, “oh my god, no, Tony has to be the pregnant one just so I can see the look on Howard’s face when Tony shrugs and says ‘shit happens’ before going back to being irresponsible and blowing things up. And no, none of those things are bad, when your generation takes over you’ll probably get into meme wars instead of bombing each other and you’ll all cry about that frog with the eyes not being rare anymore. I mean, it’s already started; Putin put that ban on memes after someone made that video about him being gay and liking long, big cocks. I don’t know, I don’t understand you guys, you call each other pancakes.” She sighs and pats his arm before wandering off to do whatever it is moms do. He casually ignored his mother using the word ‘cock’ because he was not fond of being scarred for life.

“The frog is Pepe by the way, and his rarity is an actual issue” he calls after her. He fucking hated that frog.

*

When they got bored they had come up with a game of making their parents say really obscure shit and that was how Steve ended up with the challenge of getting his mother to say “shit stained anal bead”. He half didn’t want to go through with it because his mother’s mouth should not be defiled in such a way but also it would be funny, so there he was in his living room with all his friends trying to figure out how to go about this. In the end it was Tony who managed it, sort of, because he was the one who brought up the elections. “Thank god Romney didn’t win last time, honestly the guy is a shit stained anal bead,” he somehow manages to keep a straight face the whole time. His friends laugh, obviously because it’s true, but his mother’s laughter is a surprise.

                “Did you just call Mitt Romney a shit stained anal bead? That’s… that’s so accurate, I love the insults your generation comes up with.” She shakes her head and grabs her bag to run off to do something for Pepper, he was told what it was but he’s forgotten by now.

“Oh my god,” Bucky wheezes, “I can’t believe your mom just said that!”

“I can’t believe Loki got my dad to say Alaska Thunderfuck with a straight face, but I have to admit Rhodey’s mom beating him with her slipper yelling about how cock juggling thundercunt was offensive is my favourite,” Tony says, ginning, “also Steve, I paid off all your hospital debt. So anyways Nat’s parents seem to be non-existent so I propose we challenge her next. Then Thor, because Odin’s face will be priceless whether he actually says whatever or not.”

“Tony, you cannot just drop the fact that you paid off thousands in hospital debt in the middle of a conversation and then continue on like nothing ever… this is my island isn’t it?” he asks somewhat helplessly.

“Don’t be ridiculous Steve, hospital debt has nothing to do with Rhodey Island, that’s the official name now, it’s no longer a number. Seriously, let’s go harass Nat’s parentals. Unless they are as scary as her, then it might be best to make a tactical retreat,” he says and stands up, clearly expecting everyone else to follow.

“Are you suggesting running away Tony?” Nat asks, grinning.

“No, I’m suggesting a tactical retreat, big difference,” Tony says, flapping his arms around for effect.

“Tactically retreat your money from my hospital bills!” Steve yells after him as he all but runs out the door.

“If I could I would, but I can’t so I shan’t!” he yells as he runs away, cackling as he goes.


	6. Chapter Six

7. DO NOT watch horror movies with Tony unless you enjoy being punched in the face when he flails. He scares easy, don’t let him tell you otherwise.

Example: I, for whatever reason, thought it was a good idea to watch the Woman in Black with him. It resulted in a black eye, a busted nose, and a broken pinky. All of this resulted from his flailing and his tackling me when I tried to turn the movie off to save my other eye.

It turned out the hospital bills weren’t his island, an art studio was and he couldn’t even protest because it doubled as a space for Nat to dance. Also Clint set up a couple targets and decided that was a great archery space too, much to Steve’s chagrin. Clint was good, yeah, but shooting at targets across the room while Nat dances always gives him a heart attack. It was worse because Nat had absolute faith Clint wouldn’t hit her so she carried on like Clint wasn’t about to kill her at any moment.

“Okay, but Tony’s parents haven’t noticed an entire extra person living with them?” Bruce asks, eating some of the blueberries he had unearthed from one of Tony’s stashes around the lab.  

Clint shrugged, “yesterday Howard commented that I was around so much I practically lived there but other than that they haven’t noticed. I mean, the maids have, but that’s because the poor things have had to fish under my bed for pizza boxes.” Clint didn’t look guilty at all, the shit.

Bruce looked disgusted, “ew, have you heard of garbage?” Bruce was a border line obsessive compulsive in his cleaning habits, it drove Tony nuts because he worked in chaotic mess, Sam didn’t mind because he could work with either situation. Jane ignored the boys in favour of doing her own thing.

“Tony jokes that my room is a dumpster so I think that counts-” he was cut off by the sound of something exploding.

“God Damnit!” Bruce yells and runs towards the lab that Tony was currently occupying. Bruce, while fond of blowing things up, did so in a safe way, Tony on the other hand just combined things until something happened. It drove Bruce nuts. Upon entrance they found Tony on one side of the room and Howard on the other, both with soot covering them and their hair sticking up in every direction.

Howard lifts his safety googles, “write that down,” he says. Tony scrambles over to a pile of notes and grabs the notebook on top to write something down. In the middle of the room a blue glowing cube sat on a clear stand, it appeared to be the source of the blast but it wasn’t damaged in any way.

“What the hell was that?” Bruce asks.

Howard points at the mystery cube, “that, whatever it is, appears to be the source of a huge amount of energy but it doesn’t _do_ anything. So I poked it,” he says like that’s the most logical conclusion in the world rather than the worst.

“You… he… poke… _what_!” Bruce yells, flailing his arms around, “how could you possibly think that was a good idea? Have you measured it? Scanned it? Figured out why the fuck it’s glowing? Where did it come from? Why is it giving off energy? What kind of energy is it giving off? Does it match any other current energy signatures? If not does it come close to any known signatures? There are literally thousands of better options that are not _poke it_!” Bruce fists his hands in his hair, looking at the cube in horror, anxious with the situation.

“Scanned it, JARVIS couldn’t give us anything we didn’t already know, measurements are boring, it was found in the arctic, I have no idea why it’s glowing or giving off energy so I poked it. It gave off one hell of a blast, JARVIS, did you get that?” Howard asks the AI.

“Of course sir, the information has been sent to Tony’s StarkPad,” the AI responds.

Steve pats Bruce’s arm in comfort, “deep breaths Bruce.” Thankfully Bruce complies instead of losing his temper, usually he was mild mannered but when he lost it he _lost it_.

“Send that to me too, you’d think you’d’ve learned to do that by now, didn’t Tony program you to learn new things?” Howard gripes.

“Perhaps I’ll reprogram myself to send you information when you can understand how my command system works,” JARVIS replies, sounding as sassy as AI can, Steve wondered if Tony programmed sarcasm into JARVIS. Howard, try as he might, couldn’t recreate JARVIS, at least not a JARVIS as effective as Tony’s and Tony refused to give up his secrets.

Clint snickers, “I love that even your tech is snarky, like the Stark snark was passed on the all the children, even the ones made of code.”                

Howard frowns, “JARVIS is Tony’s creation… does that make me a grandfather? And Steve a step father?” Bruce starts muttering things under his breath; most of it was about Howard’s stupidity.

“Ugh, no. JARVIS is not a child, and I’m not the step father of anything, thanks.” Steve says, rather horrified at the notion.

Tony looks offended, “JARVIS is so a child.” He places his hand over his heart dramatically.

“Tony, JARVIS is a computer program,” he says, deadpan.

Tony looked scandalized, “I have _never-_ ” he starts but he’s cut off by Bruce.

“ _Why are you not wearing proper protective equipment_?” Bruce yells, his voice sounding ten times louder in the echoing lab. Howard, who had picked up the cube to examine it jumps in surprise and fumbles with the cube, eventually dropping the thing on the ground. Bruce starts making a high pitched screeching noise Steve is fairly sure Bruce isn’t aware of.

“Okay… time for Bruce to go,” Tony says and gets up, directing a still screeching Bruce out of the lab.

*

A half an hour later the rest of their friend group had arrived with movies and pizza in tow, hopefully making a good distraction for poor Bruce, who was still upset about Howard. “So I brought a bunch of movies, I hope everyone likes horror because apparently that’s all I own,” Nat says, lifting her bag. Rhodey gives Steve The Look, apparently it was his job to make sure Tony doesn’t freak himself out.

                “Aren’t you not that fond of horror, Tony?” he asks. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Rhodey smack his palm to his forehead. He should have done this his damn self then, instead of leaving it to Steve.

“I don’t mind horror,” Tony says, drawing himself straighter and forcing nonchalance. Steve quits while he’s ahead because there was no convincing Tony of anything now.

That was how Steve broke his nose, Rhodey got a nasty bruise on his leg, Nat got kicked in the head, Clint was punched in the jaw, Sam got punched in the dick, Loki and Peggy managed to get out of the line of fire, and Thor was gasping on the floor but no one was sure why. Bruce was smart and relocated himself to a chair after the first time Tony flailed and claimed Sam’s dick as his victim, and Bucky generally avoided Tony anyways. Tony was sitting with one leg thrown over the back of the couch and the other thrown over the arm, sideways and terrified. To top things off Howard must have still been fucking around with that cube because right as the movie ended the power cut out and Tony shrieked loud enough to cause actual hearing damage. “Jesus man, stop screaming, I’m deaf and I can hear you,” Clint says, holding his ears. Needless to say it was not a good night.

Thankfully Bruce knew how to reset a broken nose so no hospital assistance needed, Thor eventually peeled himself off the ground, Rhodey had a limp, Nat was pretty sure she didn’t have a concussion, Clint’s jaw was heavily bruised, and Loki was greatly amused until Peggy slapped him for laughing at Thor. “Okay, so for the safety of my bits can we please _never_ do that again?” Sam says, standing awkwardly, probably in a sorry attempt to avoid pain. Tony punched him pretty good too, the poor guy.

Everyone made noises of agreement except Tony who insisted, “It wasn’t _that_ bad.” This resulted in popcorn and pizza crusts being thrown at him.

*

Steve hadn’t thought anything of it when he told him mom Tony punched him in the face until she flipped shit and he remembered domestic violence. Eventually he had to point out of he was actually covering for Tony he probably wouldn’t  have come out with the truth _then_ covered Tony’s ass because that looked way more suspicious. It took a phone call to Natasha but eventually she believed him, mostly because Nat had laughed for a solid ten minutes at the idea of Tony beating Steve. He didn’t think that was a laughable subject but Nat seemed to think the idea was so far out of the realm of possibility it was worthy of a hearty laugh. “Oh man, trust me, if anyone even had the slightest suspicion Tony was doing anything to purposefully hurt Steve Peggy would stick him through a wood chipper feet first,” Nat says. Apparently his mom didn’t doubt that because she let the subject go.

Eventually he went to bed after taking a crapload of aspirin for the pain of his broken nose. The last thing he expected was to be woken up at three in the morning by a phone call from Tony, he seemed to have cut back on binge drinking and useless phone calls. “Okay, so I know you don’t really like getting random phone calls in the middle of the night but seriously, demons are going to fucking eat me and Rhodey says this stuff only happens to white people. Guess what Steve, _I’m a white people_!” Tony stage whispers, “I mean like I wouldn’t even be surprised if my family is cursed, we’re personally responsible for like a shitton of deaths, I can’t even be mad,” something in the background rustles and Tony shrieks.

“Turn on a light, Tony. Go sleep with Clint,” he throws in for good measure.

“Dad poked the cube again and now the power is fucked so there are no lights and no JARVIS to wake me up if demons try to eat me. And I am _not_ going into Clint’s room for any reason, even the maids refuse to go in there and they get paid to deal with our shit, literally. Also I’m about eighty percent sure he’d either punch me or mistake me for Nat and fondle me, I’m not fond of either option.”

Steve sighs and sits up, “I hope you know what a pain in the ass you are, a lovable pain in the ass, but a pain in the ass nonetheless.”

“Thanks, Steve,” Tony murmurs.

He snorts, “don’t thank me yet, I told my mom you punched me in the face and now she thinks you beat me. Don’t worry though, Nat told her if they thought anything like that was happening Peggy would put you through a wood chipper.”

“Wow Steve, you really suck at this, the only thing scarier than a demon is Peggy.” Well, he wasn’t wrong.


	7. Chapter Seven

8. Welcome to the Asshole Stage. Tony DOES NOT SHARE, he has a jealous and possessive streak a mile wide, mostly because of his low self-worth. When he makes a connection he does everything in his power to keep it. Call him out gently but forcefully.

Example: I have like two friends, including Tony. To be fair this isn’t Tony’s fault but he sure as hell doesn’t help when he insists on being an asshole to everyone I talk to more than once.       

Howard and Maria finally realized Clint was living with them at the end of the school year when child protective service finally managed to track his ass down. Howard was unimpressed with Tony but offered to keep Clint seems how he was going to be gone to school in a couple of months anyways. “How long have you been living here?” he asks Clint, who looks at Tony who’s looking at Steve and Rhodey.

“Four months, two weeks, five days, fifteen hours, seven minutes, and twelve seconds” JARVIS supplies.

“Four and a half _months_ , what the hell made you think this was a good… you know what, it probably wasn’t you. Tony, explain yourself,” Howard glares at Tony, who once again looks at Steve and Rhodey for help.

Steve sighs, “Clint’s foster family didn’t even realize he was missing for a month, I’m sure that tells you all you need to know about his living conditions there. Tony was just trying to help, besides, it isn’t like it’s been a hardship on you, you don’t even notice Tony let alone Clint,” Steve throws the barb in there because its true, and the guilt will distract him from chewing Tony a new asshole.

“I notice Tony,” Howard says in his own defence. Bruce rolls his eyes dramatically; apparently Tony’s melodramatic tendencies have been rubbing off on him.  

“Howard last week you forgot his name and called him ‘the one with the face’, I have no idea what made you think _that_ was what set Tony apart considering we all have faces.” He really wished that was a joke.

“I do that with everyone,” he says like that’s a reasonable excuse.

Steve and Rhodey their eyes in sync, “so you’re an ass to everyone, that’s absolutely a good excuse to forget your own kid’s name. And I’ve never heard you forget Maria’s name.” It was one of Howard’s better qualities, his love for Maria. He loved her almost as much as science.

Howard sighs, apparently knowing he was beat here, “did you end up deciding where you want to go to college? Columbia?” he asks hopefully, conveniently changing the subject. He resists the urge to roll his eyes again, he didn’t even care that Tony got an early admission to MIT, no, he’d been more interested in what schools Steve got into. Then he decided he liked Columbia best and started pushing him to go there. Poor Tony, he’d looked so crushed that his father cared more about Steve’s future than his own. Steve had pointed out that this could be because Howard expected him to do what he had done and then take over the company while Steve was more of a wild card, not that that was an excuse.

“Actually yeah, I liked their art program best.” He had cheaper options but Howard offered to pay so he figured he might as well take him up on it.

Howard makes a face, “art though? You have so much potential, it seems like a shame to waste it on _art_ ,” he says, like art was a disease or something.  

He could have defended himself easily but Tony spoke up before he could, “he chose art for the same reason you chose science, because you fucking love science and can’t imagine yourself doing anything else so how about fuck off,” he snaps, shocking everyone in the room.

“Okay guys, tell the deaf dude what the fuck just happened,” Clint says, interrupting the shocked silence. That, looking back on things was where the Asshole Stage started, Tony just happened to stick Howard on the receiving end of his assholishness at first.

*

Tony wasn’t usually a giant asshole, usually he was just mildly irritating, but over the course of a month he steadily grew to the point where even Loki was annoyed. Loki, paradoxically, had both the longest and shortest temper of the group aside from Thor, who had endless patience. Usually small things would irritate Loki quickly but bigger things took longer to set in. The fact that Loki was tired of Tony’s shit said something; he only ever got annoyed with Odin. In the end it was Steve who lost his patience and finally told Tony off, he was only human after all, and Tony had been on his last nerve for over a week. Frankly he thought it was a miracle he lasted this long.

“Okay, so let me get this straight, you think that I should pass up an opportunity to do an art program over the summer because someone I had a fling with for a couple of weeks over a year ago will be there and I’ll what? Talk to the guy? Please, Tony, explain to me why the _fuck_ you think you have a right to tell me what I can and cannot do and who I can and cannot talk to,” he sounds too harsh but at this point he can’t bring himself to give a damn.

“Well, when you put it like that it sounds controlling and manipulative,” Tony says, looking at the counter. He still looked pissed off but he looked kind of guilty too, like he should.

“No Tony, it doesn’t _sound_ controlling and manipulative, it _is_ controlling and manipulative. _Why_ do you think I, or anyone else for that matter, should have to put up with that?” he snaps. He could practically _see_ Tony shutting down and that pissed him off even more, “what are you so afraid of!” he yells. It was illogical to be this pissed off over something that, in the long run, wasn’t really that important given that Tony sure as hell won’t be pulling this shit again but he couldn’t help it. Tony was just being so _infuriating_.

Something in what he said seemed to trigger Tony because he flares back to life and glares at Steve, “I’m afraid that you’ll realize you deserve something better, goddamnit. I’m afraid that… that-” he could have let Tony continue but he was irritated with Tony’s self-pity.

“You’re afraid that I’ll see you the way you see you. Well guess what Tony; you’re literally the _only one who sees you that way_!” His voice steadily grows louder with each word, “I do not have high enough education to deal with this shit, okay, I spent most of my education in a crowded New York public school and let me tell you I’ve seen some crazy shit but you take the fucking cake and the ice cream too. Like god damn Tony, what will it take to prove to you that you aren’t worthless? The entire western hemisphere is in awe of you and what you can do and what do you do? Listen to the only guy who you think sees you as worthless. That makes no goddamn sense,” he hisses, feeling his face turning red in anger. He probably looked like a blonde cherry tomato but Tony, goddamn _Tony fucking Stark_ ; he had a way of getting to people.

“What the hell do you mean _think_ , I’m probably gunna win a Nobel prize for that damn prosthetic arm I built for Bucky and he paid more attention to Clint trying to balance a basketball on his nose-” Steve cuts him off again because he already knows the story of Tony’s life he doesn’t need another recap.

“Oh my _god_ , Tony, you clearly do not understand what is going on. He doesn’t think you’re worthless, he thinks _he’s_ worthless and guess what Tony, you remind him of himself. It’s really hard to come to terms with the fact that you kid is going to inherit all the issues you have, like living in your father’s shadow your whole life, alcoholism, the inability to enter meaningful relationships, whatever else he sees in you that I don’t. And that, that’s bad Tony, but what’s worse is admitting that you have a kind of strength he’s never had. Howard, he’s fucking brilliant but he lived out his glory days and faded to the background years ago. He’s a brilliant inventor and he loves science but without the motivation and drive to accomplish something that’s worthless, and so he falls into the legacy his father built. You? You’ve never been Howard Stark’s son, you’ve always had your own identity outside of his because when people tell you can’t do something your first instinct is to prove them wrong and you do, every time. Howard thought the worst thing to happen to him was being his father’s kid, he was wrong; the worst thing to happen to him was being Tony Stark’s father. He doesn’t look at you because if he does he has to come to terms with the fact that people only look in his direction when they’re looking at you.” He finishes that rant breathing heavier than he should be considering talking wasn’t exactly a straining activity.

And Tony, he looked like he’d been stumbling around in a dark cave his whole life and he finally found the light at the end of it. “Do you really believe that?” he asks quietly.

Steve snorts, “What’s that quote you love so much about science? That it’s true whether you believe in it or not? Well that’s how this is, you might not believe it but its true and it has been your whole life. You were born a genius, Howard had to work hard at learning, memorizing, working and reworking things until he got it right but you just naturally know. When he looks at you he sees the kid his father always wanted, the man he could have been, and that’s so hard to see he’s just stopped looking. It’s less painful that way,” he says softly.

“But… but that makes _no_ sense, all of his work, all his advancements in technology is the base for everything I’ve done. How could it be possible for him to think he lives in my shadow when his work is the only reason my shadow can exist?” Tony’s crying now but Steve doesn’t think he’s noticed over the confusion in his mind.

“Ever think that maybe that admiration and idolization you have for your father is returned but he just doesn’t show it? I think that in some twisted way Howard has convinced himself that if he withholds his love from you and makes you want his affection more that you won’t forget him and leave him in the dust the way his own father did,” he shrugs, losing all his energy to argue.

Tony leans forward into Steve’s chest and Steve circles his arms around him. Oddly he was taller than Tony now and he wasn’t really sure when that happened. “I do that too, don’t I?” Tony mumbles into his chest, “make people feel like shit so they want my attention more?”

“Yeah, you’ve been doing that to pretty much everyone but Rhodey, Peggy, and Nat for the last month. It’s been driving us all nuts except for Thor but that could be because he has near endless patience and he deals with Loki all the time. Loki does the same things for basically the same reasons too, so I think on some level Thor understands you better than the rest of us. I’d also like to point out that unlike your father you eventually realize your being an ass, you did with Rhodey, and you are right now. Howard doesn’t have the strength to see his own issues and face them the way you do, remember that.”

For a while Tony doesn’t say anything, just breaths against Steve while he processes things. “I’m sorry for being a jealous fucknugget,” he says eventually.

He thinks about how to respond for a minute because he doesn’t want to tell Tony it’s ok because it’s not and he doesn’t want to give Tony the impression that he can do this to someone else and get away with it like Rhodey obviously did. “I get that we all make mistakes Tony, but this isn’t the kind of mistake you can repeat. You don’t get to use people as your emotional punching bags with no consequences.  When you take things out on people your actions can drastically affect them to the point where it completely changes their life. Take Clint for example, he’s been shuffled from foster home to foster home, every time he made a connection it was taken away. Until we came along he didn’t know what a family was, then you showed him that people care, that he doesn’t have to live the way he has his whole life. That he’s more than a product of the system. Granted you didn’t do all that on your own, but your actions, the way you’ve been treating him lately, it just proved to him that every time he gets a family it get torn apart and taken away eventually, it’s just a matter of time. Now all of that mistrust and wariness he had with us all before is going to come back tenfold because you were selfish and didn’t think of the consequences to your actions.”

It was a harsh but necessary truth and from the guilty look Tony was giving the ground it seemed he got it. “I… I didn’t mean…” he trails off, not knowing what to say.

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone Tony but that’s what happens when you act like actions don’t have consequences. The good thing about actions though, is that if you do something stupid you can try and make it right. You’re a problem solver Tony, and a damn good one at that, I have faith that you’ll come up with something to set this straight.” He wants to throw in that throwing money at things doesn’t count but he doesn’t think Tony is quite ready for that lesson yet, he’s already faced enough uncomfortable truths for one day so he lets it go.


	8. Chapter Eight

9. Assuming you make it past the Asshole Stage (I have my doubts) he will feel very guilty for his misplaced paranoia and avoid you like the god damn plague to punish himself. This makes no sense, I know, but don’t let him get away with it. Stick to his ass like glue.

Example: when he finally came to his damn senses he felt (appropriately) guilty for being an asshole. Instead of trying to make it up to me or be a better friend (or both) he decided that running away was the proper solution. Unfortunately for him we had the same classes so it didn’t work very well.

He was fairly certain Rhodey’s handbook had said Tony avoided people at all cost after the asshole stage but his calls were regular, frankly a little to regular given that he’d taken to calling Steve at least twice a day. He probably wouldn’t have been so irritated with it if it wasn’t for the fact that Tony either called to say something stupid and hang up or to talk through some problem he was having with whatever he was working on, which didn’t actually require Steve’s response or even his presence. He’d left his phone on his night stand to go do whatever he had planned that day more than once only to come back to find Tony still talking like he hadn’t noticed Steve’s disappearance. Once Tony called him on it and he told him flat out that he let him babble at nothing for hours at a time, Tony either forgot or didn’t care because he still called.

“You know at first I thought Tony’s frequent calls were both creepy and annoying but now I’m kind of going to miss his boring science talk lulling me to sleep,” Miranda, one of the girls in the art program he was in, says. It helped when they finally figured out that Tony had a bad habit of sleep calling people, which was why he sometimes called to say stupid shit like “first things first, I’m a surrealist, Salvador Dali” only to hang up with no memory of calling to begin with. Tony’s irritating five AM wakeup calls were significantly less annoying when he couldn’t help it.

“You know what I’m going to miss?” Steve says, “Not having to be in the same room as him when he goes through all the damn possibilities.” He loved Tony, really, but it was a bit much to sit there for hours while he did endless calculations in his head. He tried to leave a few times too, but Tony always seemed to notice his absence if he was physically present. At least he got really good at drawing people in motion because Tony like to pace and he had nothing better to do. Tony had found a few of his sketches once and insisted sticking them on the wall, including the embarrassing one of Howard drooling on his notes. Both Steve and Howard had protested that one but it was Tony’s favourite, go figure.

The girls laugh and go on to talk about random calls they overheard in which Tony said something ridiculous and he tuned out, he had plenty of his own stories and truth be told listening to stories about Tony made him miss Tony more. His phone starts to buzz as if on cue but when he digs it out of his pocket to find its Loki of all people. He answered it, kind of worried because if Loki was calling him someone was probably dead or dying. “Oh my god, you will not believe what just happened,” Tony says, laughing, “Poor Rhodey. Okay,” Tony says and takes a breath in an obvious attempt to calm down.

“Okay, so to start at the beginning here, dad bought this random building, I don’t know what he wants with it but he sent me out to check it out. I ask Loki if he wants to go, he says yes as usual, but Rhodey’s mom is mad at him and apparently this means he’ll chance dying from my supposedly bad driving skills rather than suffer under the judgemental glare from his mom. So we get there and my dipshit dad has bought an actual abandoned insane asylum. Rhodey refuses to get out, Loki looks super excited, I’m not ready to deal with ghosts or demons or whatever crazy shit is in there but I’m not gunna let my dad know I’m weak so I get out. Loki tells Rhodey that staying in the car was probably less safe than going in to this creepy ass building because racist cops so eventually he gets out too.

So we’re meandering along, Loki picks up some scattered medical records and Rhodey freaks out because he’s seen one to many horror movies that start with this shit and he knows he’s the first to die because he’s the token minority. So finally the damn real-estate guy shows up and he gives me a tour of this thing and let me tell you this shit is horror movie ready. We get around to the back and there is this nasty smell and Rhodey decides fuck it, he’ll risk the racist cops, he’s done. Loki is starting to look a little worried and the real-estate guy is confused. I figure I’ll look for the source of this smell because I’m the dumbass white kid who gets killed off right after Rhodey, who would have been dead if this was actually a horror movie. So after sniffing around I figure out that the smell is coming from,” he breaks off to start laughing, which throws Steve for a loop because he’s positive he’s seen a horror movie with the exact same plot line of Tony’s story. “So I open the door and I shit you not there is five dead bodies in there, the real-estate guy passes the fuck out, Loki literally screams-”

“Tony please tell me you aren’t actually laughing at dead people found in an abandoned mental health facility,” he says, really _really_ hoping this story had a dramatic twist or that Tony was in some sort of shock. Everyone at the table he was sitting at stops their conversations to look at him like he’s grown a second head. He sighs and puts Tony’s call on speaker phone so he doesn’t have to recount this when Tony is done.

As if he could now sense the audience Tony says, “okay kiddies, gather around because this shit is about to get crazy.”

“Finding dead people in an asylum isn’t crazy enough?” Miranda says, looking at the phone in horror.

“No, it is not my friend. So I’m looking at these dead people and something doesn’t seem right about them, you know, aside from their apparent death. By now the real-estate guy has woken up and he’s called the cops and he thinks I’m some sort of psychopath because I’m staring at these dead bodies. Loki seems to sense something is up so he steps closer and he asks me what’s going on. I point out a few things that aren’t right about these dead people and I come to the conclusion that either these people aren’t human, or they’re a bunch of costume props with some very well done stage makeup that some asshole teens set up as an elaborate prank. But what about the smell you ask, well upon closer inspection there is a dead rat half buried under one of the dummy’s clothes and that’s why it smelled like death. I’m about to tell the real-estate guy this so he feels way less freaked out by someone’s asshole prank but he’s gone. Then Loki has this great idea,” oh great, Steve thinks, Loki had a terrible idea and Tony was stupid enough to go with it.

“Loki figures we might as well go with it, like we’d know the difference, right? So I figure why the hell not, the cops are already on their way so they’re probably going to have to check it out no matter what. We leave to go find poor Rhodey, who has been dealing with the cops for what looks like a couple minutes, the one time the cops have good response time and poor Rhodey is there, go figure. So I go tell the cops that Rhodey came with me and obviously has nothing to do with the five dead people in the building. Rhodey’s face,” Tony laughs, “oh wow, even if I hadn’t vouched for him the look he gave me for sure cleared him. The cops pull their heads out of their racist asses and go to check the scene and Rhodey immediately asks me what the fuck is going on. I tell him about the fake dead guys and the rat and all that and Rhodey is pissed that I’ve dragged him into this but he keeps his mouth shut because telling the cops props are dead people has got to be all kinds of illegal. Anyways we were a little held up and we only just managed to get out of the police station, so this is basically my long winded way of asking you to call my dad and tell him that the plot of a horror movie just about took place here because I don’t feel like it after staving off Rhodey’s imminent arrest all day.”

Everyone stares at the phone in silence for a minute, “wow, that was wild from start to finish,” Rachel says. Steve sighs; well at least Tony wasn’t avoiding him at all costs like he did with Rhodey.

“Do you people understand why Rhodey made a handbook now? I mean I’d like to say this kind of thing is unusual but bad movie plots happen to Tony all the time.” Usually it was bad action movie plots but apparently the universe wanted to throw Tony a curve ball this week.


	9. Chapter Nine: Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it :) grammar notwithstanding.

10. Assuming you’ve made it this far Tony Stark is much like a cat, he has a ton of attitude, he sometimes brings you gifts you didn’t ask for, he runs away if you love him too much, and he gets pissed off when you don’t love him enough. Treat Tony as a cat, proceed with caution but know he loves you, even if he’s being an asshole and he’s left a metaphorical dead mouse in your shoe. Again.  

_Tony_  

After an eventful summer that included a trip to Spain, Clint getting kidnapped in Germany only to find out his kidnappers were Nat’s relatives, Rhodey getting alcohol poising, Tony and Jane breaking physics, Steve and Bucky getting arrested, forgetting Loki somewhere between Korea and England, and Thor preforming Shakespeare, Tony had to admit school was going to bore him, probably to death. That didn’t even include Steve’s summer art program, Nat punching a ballerina in the face, his adventure at the asylum, Sam accidentally getting a job at NASA, Howard shitting himself at a charity event, and Peggy making out with a senator. At this point he was starting to wonder if his life was some giant ass hallucination because  _really_ , all of this stuff happening to one group of people was highly unlikely. But here he was, sitting in a room with Justin Hammer of all people, like how did he even get  _into_  MIT, chatting with some guy named Von Doom. Based off that alone Tony was a fan, the fact that Doom was actually brilliant also helped. 

Hammer tried to get a few words in edgewise but Tony cut him off, Doom was too smart to have to deal with Hammer’s yammering. That was when Reed Richards showed up, ugh, and insisted on sticking his two cents in. Doom, judging from the look of disgust and his leaning away, liked Richards as much as Tony did. That is to say not at all, seriously, if Richards was on fire Tony would have JARVIS scan him to see how long it took for a human body to burn through all the way. Okay, so maybe not, but that was only because of the smell. He still wouldn’t put Richards out though. “Your dad’s still waiting outside by the way, I think he’s waiting for you,” he says and the fucker sounds sincere. He was suspicious but he wanted to show Doom around the lab anyways, so if Richards was fucking with him he wouldn’t look like a fool. 

“Fine, assuming he’s actually there I’ll deal with it. So Doom, wanna see the lab? If we’re lucky Bruce is already there, you’ll like Bruce,” he grins and Doom seems to relax a little and agrees. 

Richards looks at Tony like he’s stupid, which is just dumb because hello, he’s worth literal billions and his ideas have revolutionized life as they knew it. Richards could eat a dick; he had no right to look at Tony like he was the dumb one out of the two of them. “You’re seriously going to hang out with this loser?” Richards says, gesturing vaguely in Doom’s direction. Doom wilts immediately and fuck that, he never was fond of bullies; maybe he should take a page from Steve’s book and fight him. Ha, no, his face was too precious for that. 

“As opposed to what? Hanging out with you? I’d rather use Hammer tech of the rest of my life than spend a voluntary two minutes with you. Doom here not only has the best super villain name ever, but he’s actually brilliant, not riding on his daddies riches. So excuse us while we go change the world and you… change your hairstyle, what are you even trying to achieve?” Tony makes a few vague gestures at him. He steps around Richards, ditching him with Hammer because the two deserve each other. 

“So what’s the story with you and Hammer? I’ve heard the stories,” Doom says, following him along. He damn well better have heard the right ones, not those absurd rumours that made Tony look like an ass when, no, Hammer was just dumb. Tony couldn’t help that Hammer had the IQ of a brain dead squirrel, but it was absolutely his responsibility to let Hammer know. Like what would happen if he didn’t and Hammer actually thought he was  _smart_? People would die, that’s what, Hammer was absolutely irresponsible and not in all the fun ways like himself.  

“Ugh, okay so when we were kids he used to fuck up  _everything_  for me. Literally nothing went right around him and he was always hanging around me like he was purposefully trying to ruin my genius,” Tony rolls his eyes.  

Doom raises an eyebrow, “maybe he wanted to be your friend?” he suggests. Tony didn’t need to be a genius to know that was Doom’s story with Richards. 

“That’s exactly what I thought, so I figured I’d be nice to him, it’s not like he can help being  a simpleton,” Doom snorts out a laugh, “I tried to be nice, show him the rope a little, yeah? Well that was a dumb idea, this fucker; this  _soggy hot dog bun_  actually thought he was helping me. Honestly how arrogant do you have to be to assume that your making working technology better when every time you tamper with it it stops working? So I figure maybe he doesn’t know, he is that dumb so I let him work with me for a bit even though I’ve met dog turds smarter than him. By the end of the day all my stuff was ruined and when I was going back over things to see if I could salvage anything I find this thing, I don’t know what it was, but it was a hot mess extra mess, nix the hot. I don’t know if Hammer’s last brain cell hung itself out of loneliness at that particular moment of his life or what but he decided that was a good time to walk by and knock something over and the thing shorted out and blew me up. He says it was an accident but who’s that irresponsible and that dumb at the same time? So after that time he accidentally on purpose tried to kill me I’ve hated his guts, and also I’m just better than him, I can’t help it, it’s just how the world works and he needs to accept it,” Tony flaps his hand around for emphasis. 

“I don’t usually like arrogance, but it looks good on you,” Doom says, grinning. Hell yeah arrogance looked good on him, everything looked good on him, he was  _Tony Stark_  for god’s sake. He kept that to himself though, no need to rub Doom’s nose in it.  

“And what’s your deal with Richards? I haven’t heard anything about the two of you being in some huge rivalry,” Doom’s eyebrows pull together in confusion.  

“Oh, we went to camp together when we were five and that bastard stole my Twinkie. I’ll never forgive him for that,” he glares back at the building Richards was presumably still in. Doom laughs so hard he doubles over. 

“Tony!” someone calls from across the parking lot. He looks over to find his dad glaring at him, great, now Doom had to witness his family failings. Why could he meet Steve first? At least then he’d look like less of a twat. 

“What?” he says, somewhat irritably.  

“You’re not going to say goodbye?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. Tony could practically feel Doom judging him. 

“You literally cried when Steve left for Columbia, you forgot you supposed to drive me to MIT. Why the hell would I say goodbye, there’s nothing to say goodbye to,” he snaps. Steve said he should communicate more so he figured he’d follow Steve’s advice. He knew damn well Steve didn’t mean be-an-asshole-to-his-dad-even-if-he-deserved-it but he could always claim this was his interpretation, besides, he was telling the truth. What was it that Loki said? That the truth was always more painful than even the most carefully constructed lie? Yeah, Howard could use a little of that. 

He spots Jane carrying a bunch of equipment across the parking lot, behind her Thor had a bunch more equipment. “Hey Jane, come here and meet Victor Von Doom, great name right? He sounds like super villain!” he waves to her and she drops something. She goes to pick it up but Thor waves her off, getting whatever it was himself. 

“That Jane, the giant blonde behind her is Thor, her boyfriend. He looks like a dumb jock but he’s actually pretty smart, not as smart as her though. She’s brilliant, you’ll love her… oh, and if you become a super villain promise me two things, one, don’t kill me, two, can I tinker with your tech?” he grins. 

Doom snorts, “I won’t kill you, but I make no promises about my inventions.  

_Loki_  

He would have thought having Thor out of the house would have been great but it only resulted in him realizing his only friends were his brother’s friends and that was mostly because they were forced to spend time with him. It was embarrassing to say the least. It was even more embarrassing that Tony’s travel calls were the highlights of his life currently. That was why he found himself brooding in a coffee shop drinking a large black coffee. It was actually quite peaceful, the shop was near empty, it was snowing slowly outside, and Christmas music was playing quietly over the radio. It kind of reminded him off all those cliché shows where the protagonist’s loud love interest just  _happens_  to stumble in, disrupting the peace and shaking up the protagonist’s life, but in a  _good_  way. What a load of shit. 

That, ironically, was when Darcy loudly stomps through the door and marches right over to him with obvious purpose. He didn’t recognize her at all, and with pretty lips like that he’d remember her face. Wait,  _what_? He ignored the wayward thought as she dropped herself into the seat across from him, “so I have a friend and she thinks I can’t get your number but I think I’m a pretty fantastic catch and you are obviously going to be unable to resist my sexy charms,” she grins. 

Loki grins too and leans forward, “well my friend, your out of luck, your sexy charms will do nothing to an asexual.” She was intriguing and he wanted to see how she reacted to that. 

She didn’t even bat an eye, “fine than, I know I’m ascetically pleasing and I know that I’ve got your attention. So tell me what’s brought you here to brood this fine night?” she says, her lips curving up pleasantly.  

He debated on how to answer for a few seconds and decided fuck it; he might as well tell her the truth. He had no intentions of seeing her again and she was a stranger, what weight would her judgement have on him anyways? “Well, for the last year and a half my life has been an absolute whirlwind of all these crazy adventures but the thing is the only reason I was even there was because of my brother, he’s very likeable you see. Me? Not so much, but my mom makes him drag me everywhere. He’s older than me though, his friends too, so obviously they’ve all gone off to college and here I am wondering if I should be happy that I got an adventure or embarrassed that that I’ve been living vicariously through my brother.”  

For her part she took it well and with minimal judgment, “wow, all that before I got your name. Interesting,” she says and, shockingly, she doesn’t run for the hills. 

He snorts, “well I figure I’m never going to see you again, what’s it matter? My name is Loki by the way.”  

She looks at him silently for a few second before shifting in her seat to get more comfortable, “Darcy. And if you think we’re never talking again you have another thing coming my friend, I want to get to know the guy who was brave enough to dump all that on a complete stranger.” 

“Brave? Please, I was telling the truth, there is nothing brave about stating facts,” he says because it’s true. 

Darcy shakes her head, “most people spend their whole lives burying their heads in the sand because the truth is more painful than whatever it is they’re telling themselves. The truth is harsh, unyielding, being able to face it takes a kind of bravery most people don’t have. Now, your brother’s friends, do they still talk to you?” she asks. 

He doesn’t see why that matters but he answers anyways, “Sure they do,” when they want something, but he leaves that out. Clint called for advice to fuck with people, Nat for his ability to find dirt on anyone, Steve for opinions on his art because Loki won’t lie, Tony for someone to travel with; Sam was the only one who called just because. He liked Tony best but Sam was the only one who had ever made an effort to make him feel like he was more than Thor’s irritating little brother before Tony got there and treated him like a person rather than an annoyance. He appreciated that so he always left Sam alone and defended him vehemently whenever someone said something bad about him. He was fairly certain Sam knew that but he never brought it up, he was grateful for that.  

“Well then it seems to me that your brother’s friends were your friends too, being friends with one of you doesn’t cancel out the possibility of being friends with the other you know,” she’s not wrong but she doesn’t know Thor. He says as much and that starts them on a conversation that lasts much longer than he thought a conversation should. He didn’t mind though, for perhaps the first time in his life.  

He spent a lot of time with Darcy after that, they had a surprising amount of things in common, including that they were both secret nerds. She had an actual Darth Vader suit that Loki told her she was obligated to bury him in if he dies before her. She agreed but only if she was allowed to have his sighed Harry Potter books and his extensive comic collection. He pretended to reluctantly agree but really he didn’t care, he’d give them to her now if she asked. That thought kind of scared him, he didn’t share much… well, he shared nothing, but he was willing to with her. When he got the call from Tony to go with him to Portugal he wasn’t expecting it like he would have been a couple months before. He told Tony that he had a date and Tony had snorted, “Then bring them too, idiot,” he says like that’s the most logical solution instead of an act of kindness. It was amazing how naturally selfless Tony was without really realizing it. Loki could never be so selfless.  

Loki called Darcy, “do you have a passport?” he asks when she picks up. 

“I do, why does that matter?” she replies. He can hear her rustling around, probably trying to find her glasses; she was forever losing the stupid things. 

“Want to go to Portugal?” he asks, half answering her question. 

“Now?” she sounds surprised though he supposed he would be too if this sort of thing wasn’t normal for him. 

“Yes now, all expenses paid, all you have to do is show up ready for what is bound to be an adventure,” everything with Tony was an adventure, it was what everyone who spent time with him loved about him.  

“What’s the catch?” Darcy says suspiciously. 

“We’re going to sell you to the sex trade,” he says without missing a beat. 

_Peggy_  

She wasn’t expecting to join a top secret government organization but ever since Tony Stark became a regular person in her life the impossible always seemed to happen. Not that Tony was the reason behind her success, he certainly was not, but he was the reason she ended up on Maria’s radar. Peggy had always been ambitious and cut throat, willing to do whatever was necessary to be at the top of her peer group. Steve always said she acted like she had something to prove but she’d never told him he was right. Her mother walked out and left her with her dad and she figured if she wasn’t good enough for her mother then when her mother came back she’d be too good for her. It helped that Peggy liked being the best at everything she put effort into, it was kind of messed up but it made her feel nice to be superior to her peers at least in some way.  

When she inevitably climbed to the top of her law class no one was really surprised, it was just how Peggy did things. She always figured it would be her ambition that got her a job, not Tony getting attacked by some nut. She made quick work of the guy, she was tired and she had no time for idiots trying to kill Tony, she wanted a damn nap. If she knew Maria was watching she’d have done it faster. Happy, Tony’s actual body guard have been shocked and the next morning he offered her a job while they were getting coffee. “Hold it there, Hogan, let me have a crack at her first,” a woman says.  

Happy looks over Peggy’s head and nods at the woman, “Maria. Take her offer, kid, you’ll love it.” With that cryptic statement he walks off. Maria was around Peggy’s height but a bit thinner, certainly more disciplined, everything about Maria screamed military. She wondered what the hell someone like Maria would want from her.  

Maria buys her coffee and leads Peggy to a table in the corner, “tell me about last night,” she says. Peggy knows what she means so she recounts the events methodically and in detail. Maria looks vaguely impressed and that simply would not do, kind of impressed was not how Peggy did things. “So you knew the gun was a fake?” she asks. 

“Of course I knew it was a fake, why someone would be stupid enough to attack someone who makes weapons for a living with a fake gun I have no idea,” she rolls her eyes, “I suppose it doesn’t matter now though.”  

Maria examines her for a few seconds, “how would you do it?” she asks.  

Peggy raises her eyebrows, “how would I attack Tony? Well, I’d at least be smart enough to take out his… no, I’d  _be_  his security detail, no one would expect that and they wouldn’t look too closely into my story either. After all I’m a woman, women  _obviously_  can’t fight, people would act unsurpassed if I failed. That would be their stupidity,” she says lightly, looking out the window at Happy.  

Maria laughs, “Good. Now let me tell you about S.H.E.I.L.D…” she explains everything to Peggy, including that she would be a bit behind in training and that she’d have to drop law school. 

“Not for long, and I can do both,” she’d replied. Maria had shrugged and agreed, she started on Monday.  

Peggy showed up not knowing what to expect so when some sexist twit suggested he had a few moves she’d like she fell into familiar territory. “Do you now, well, as a matter of fact so do I,” she says and punches him in the face, laying his ass out flat.  

Maria chooses that moment to walk in and laughs at the flattened trainee, “this is Peggy Carter, a new recruit. I see you’ve all managed to piss her off already, I’d suggest you don’t. The woman stopped a possible assassination because she was tired and didn’t have time for that, she is not to be trifled with,” Maria smiles at her and Peggy knows immediately that she’ll like it here.  

Maria was right about her being behind but it didn’t take her long to catch up, within a month she was already better than the worst students in the class and within two months she was in the top three students. That simply wouldn’t do, she would not be  _third_ , especially not if that meant being behind two sexist meat heads. Maria liked her though, and that was a plus, so when top of the class and grade A douche made a snide remark about her being less than him Maria barked out a laugh. “Calm your shit Trevor, she’s learned everything you have in a third of the time and she’s better at most of it too, plus she’s still getting straight A’s in law school. You were late to training every day this week and you finished three minutes after Carter, as far as I’m concerned she’s the best in this class. Anyone who disagrees with me can tell Director Melinda May why she should be looking at you instead of Carter, and let me tell you, good fucking luck.” Maria grins at the terrified recruits and nods to Peggy.  

She enjoys the envious stares from her classmates, it meant that they were upset with her success and so long as she continued to get those looks she’d know everyone wanted to  _have_  her success. That didn’t mean she’d slack though, she still had work to do, top of the class to Maria wasn’t top of the class. When she gets home she finds a stern Asian lady standing in her kitchen and smiles at Melinda. “You used the bedroom window, didn’t you?” she asks even though she already knew the answer. That was the only logical entrance to use if she didn’t want to be seen at this time of day. She scoops up her cat and sits down at the table, waiting for Melinda to get to the point. 

“You chose to sit? For all you know I want you dead,” Melinda says, clearly surprised with Peggy’s choice. 

“If you wanted me dead I would be,” she says, she’s heard the stories about Melinda. She would consider Melinda terrifying if even only ten percent of the rumours were true.  

“Maybe I want to lull you into a false sense of security,” she counters. 

Peggy snorts, “than you would have knocked on my door, not crawled through my window.” 

Melinda laughs and sits down, “Hill was right about you. I want to know about your friends,” she says like  _that’s_ a logical jump. 

“My friends?” she asks, confused.  

Melinda’s lips move up just a bit, “come on now Peggy, a girl with your level of ambition doesn’t hang out with people who slack. So tell me about your friends,” she repeats. Peggy’s best guess was that Melinda wanted more people like her so she told her about her friends. It wasn’t long before she noticed a trend. Thor was naturally an over achiever, Loki was constantly fighting to be better than Thor with some success, Steve and Rhodey both managed to get full ride scholarships to a prestigious prep school, Sam naturally excelled, Nat and Clint were the best at what they did, dancing and archery respectively, she wasn’t really friends with Bruce but he excelled too. Bucky, while not overly ambitious, would follow Steve to the ends of the earth to keep him safe if he had to. 

Melinda listened patiently as she explained her strengths and weaknesses methodically and thoroughly, occasionally nodding. When she gets to the end of her list Melinda leans forward, “a couple of questions. Well, actually just one, you really think Tony Stark’s weakness is knowing he’s the smartest person in the room?” she makes a face at that, like she’s suddenly doubting her abilities. 

“That and his low self-worth. You see, he has next to no self-confidence, don’t make that face at me, I know Tony in ways you don’t. But he knows he’s smart, way smarter than everyone else and he uses it like a shield, he’s built up this absurd persona around it, like if he’s able to outsmart the people he’s surrounded by he’ll be worth something. The problem is that he has no idea where the line is and his actions typically don’t have consequences, so when he does something very stupid to prove how much better he is he doesn’t know it. Rinse and repeat,” she says. The only time that trend was altered was with Steve, who made him see the consequences to his stupidity.  

“And you think Tony is the most ambitious of your friends?” she asks. If Peggy wanted to be an ass she’d point out that was more than one question, Tony would, but she lets it go. 

“Yes. Contrary to popular discourse Tony cares very deeply about what people think, he just doesn’t care what people think of  _him_. His self-confidence, what little of it is there, stems from what he can  _do_. That’s why he was so upset about all the attention Bucky’s arm got, when people found out about it it wasn’t perfect, you saw the way he insisted it wasn’t good. There is a reason why all his products are so good. Now, tell him he can’t do something impossible and I guarantee he’ll make it happen. Go on, tell him he can’t win a Nobel peace prize, I can guarantee that if he doesn’t succeed he’ll try damn hard to. Frankly I’d assume he’d keep trying till it happened. He’s not very fond of the word no unless it’s in reference to sex,” she says. Once she made the mistake of telling him he couldn’t make the jump between two buildings. Steve actually fainted when he jumped, he made it but that hadn’t made Steve feel any better.  

“I’ll give him a week to make a change,” Melinda says, taking up Peggy’s challenge. Peggy laughs, Melinda was in for one hell of a surprise. 

“I’ll give him twenty four hours,” Peggy says, she knows Tony, he won’t let her down. Or at least he better not, she’ll wring his scrawny neck. 

_Steve_  

He’d come to expect the unexpected from Tony but when he gets a call late on Friday night, or technically Saturday morning, Tony managed to shock him yet again. “I’m going to win a Nobel peace prize,” he says, out of the blue and with no explanation. 

Maque, one of the girls in his program, looks at his phone like it just declared itself to be an alien species. “Are you on crack? Did you forget that Stark Industries kills people for profit?” She wasn’t fond of Tony though she liked Steve quite a lot. She constantly told him that he deserved better than Tony, once she said that in front of him and had been surprised when Tony agreed. He was pretty sure she didn’t think he was soulless after that, just an asshole.  

“What do you think?” Tony asks. 

Steve shrugged, “I think you’re going to win a Nobel peace prize,” he says, Tony always accomplished what he set out to.  

Maque looks at him like he’s stupid, “are you insane? Okay, you need to go outside and get some fresh air because the paint fumes are obviously killing your brain cells.”  

“While I do have faith in you Tony, how the hell are you going to accomplish this?” he asks. This does not redeem him to Maque, who drops her paint brush on her tray and walks off mumbling about him encouraging Tony Stark’s delusions of grandeur.  

“Well first of all I have to stop selling weapons and guess who has the power to do that now? That’s right, me. I managed to talk dad into making me CEO, he’s probably gunna be pissed about this. His telling me I’m an idiot will fuel me. So, tomorrow I make the announcement, besides, Maque might be a walking stereotype of an art student but she makes a good point about killing people for profit. That is kind of shitty. Anyways, then I’m gunna recall all Stark weapons, oh, and I made a mini arc reactor! Doom said it was impossible but guess what bitches, it exists, I mean it shouldn’t because technically the tech for this doesn’t exist yet but hey, physics knows better than to fuck with me. Anyways clean energy is where I’m going with the company, I mean that’s peaceful, and it isn’t like people will stop needing power so dad’s bitching will be minimal. Hopefully. Seriously though, with arc reactor technology I can revolutionize the industry, Maque would be proud,” he says happily.  

Maque chooses then to walk back in, “Maque thinks you’re an idiot,” she says bluntly. 

“Maque  _will_  be proud,” Tony corrects, “anyways I gotta go write something resembling a speech and some sort of actual argument that isn’t ‘I want a Nobel peace prize’ so the board doesn’t eat my ass, but like in a bad way, so see ya.” Tony hangs up and Steve shakes his head.  

“Do you seriously think he’s going to follow through with this?” Maque asks, looking genuine. 

“Yeah. I know you and literally everyone else who thinks like you think Tony is some sort of soulless demon but that isn’t true. He’s just… deluded, he pretends he doesn’t care but he does, that’s why he does everything he can not to think about it too much. A Nobel peace prize might seem like a shitty reason to not sell weapons but the truth is that’s just the excuse he’s made so he has a reason to not sell weapons, he’s never liked that his family makes money off war.” He shrugs, it wasn’t like it wasn’t true, Tony might not admit it but that’s because Howard did a number on the poor guy. 

“Tony Stark is so soulless, he’s a dog person,” Maque smiles at him and returns to her painting. 

“He likes cats too, they just don’t like him,” he says in Tony’s defence. Maque rolls her eyes but laughs, insulting and defending Tony was like eighty percent of their relationship.  

* 

Peggy had called the next morning, in the middle of Tony’s very well written speech, he obviously did his research. His business plan wasn’t so bad either; he clearly knew what he was talking about there too. Howard’s face had been hilarious, he was pretty sure the guy was going to have an actual heart attack, his eyes had practically bugged straight out of their sockets. Peggy’s call comes as someone asked about school, which makes Tony laugh, “MIT is a joke guys, I’m obviously an engineering genius, I’ve been building engines since I was a toddler. However I’ll still be doing classes, can’t be a disappointment to the family now can I?” he says, laughing and looking at Howard. Howard looked like he was waiting for Happy to step aside so he could rip Tony’s head off; even his moustache was shaking with rage. 

“Yeah?” Steve answers the call distractedly.  

“Do you have time to meet with me today?” she asks. 

“Sure,” he says because why not, he needed to laugh about this with someone and Peggy would find Howard’s twitching moustache hilarious.  

“Great, I’ll text you the address,” she says and hangs up. He frowns at his phone, why wouldn’t he just meet her at her apartment? He shrugs it off and goes back to watching Tony alternate between well thought out answers and stupid jokes. Peggy texts the address and the time, he had enough time to shower and show up so he started moving.  

The last thing he had expected was a giant white office building with a freakish amount of security. Now he was nervous, what the hell had Peggy gotten into? He was ushered along, no Peggy in sight, and brought to a room that looked suspiciously like an interrogation room.  _Now_  he was outright worried because really, what the hell Peggy? Two women walked in shortly after looking stern, the Asian lady looked like she could walk on coals without flinching. Jesus, Peggy must be in some shit. That was so unlike her though… 

“Just a couple of questions, Mr. Rogers,” the thinner white woman says and sits down. The Asian lady remains standing beside the door with her hands tucked neatly behind her back, her feet shoulder width apart. Okay…. 

“Any that’ll explain when the hell is going on here, or where Peggy is? Or how you know my name?” he asks. He figured if Peggy gave him the address here they knew who she was.  

“No. You’re in a windowless room full of innocent people and someone throws a grenade in, what do you do?” the white woman asks. 

Steve rolls his eyes, “throw myself on the grenade, where is Peggy?” he says without really thinking about it.  

“Okay,” the woman doesn’t react to his question at all, “you have valuable information that someone wants, you’ve been kidnapped and you captors are trying to torture the information out of you. What do you do?” she asks. 

“If my information was important enough to waste time, effort, and money to kidnap me I’m too valuable to kill and someone else wants that information safe. Someone would come for me eventually or I’d die, whichever came first. Is Peggy okay?” He looks for any sign either woman knows anything about Peggy’s whereabouts. Neither of them gave anything away.  

“You have a job, that job is to follow orders no matter what they are, who they come from, or what the cost is. Like a soldier. Do you do it?” the woman asks, tilting her head to the side. It was the most emotion he’d seen her show and head tilts didn’t really count with little to no context. 

“No, I don’t do it, what the fuck? Is this Nazi Germany or something? Can someone please explain what the hell is going on here, Peggy didn’t sound worried or hurt on the phone so I’m going to guess she’s okay but that doesn’t really explain much,” he says irritably.  

Someone knocks on the door and the Asian lady opens it, still expressionless, “I knew you’d pass!” Peggy all but shrieks as she runs through the door. 

He lets her hug him and frowns, “what the hell?” he asks again, hoping Peggy would explain. Thankfully she did, though working for a super-secret government agency wasn’t the answer he expected. He did, however, take up the opportunity to watch his friends go through the same interview process. He even got to call Tony himself. 

That was hilarious, especially Loki, surprisingly given that he wasn’t fond of the kid. Maria leans forward and asks the grenade question. Loki snorts, “I’d walk out the door,” he says. 

“And the people?” she asks. 

“If they aren’t smart enough to follow its natural selection,” he says. Nat signs this to Clint, who laughs so hard Loki hears him though the two way mirror. Clint said he’d toss the grenade back out the damn door, Nat said the same, Tony said he’d just take it apart, Bruce, Thor, Sam, and Bucky all threw themselves on it. 

“I assure you, I will be having a talk with him about this,” Thor says, giving Loki offended looks.  

Everyone answered the same as him for question two except for Nat, who opted to seduce her captors and snap their necks, and Loki, who said he’d give up the information to be freed but request to be freed first. He then said he’d lie about the information because his captors didn’t ask nicely. The third question yielded similar results, only his friends had the added “why not” thrown in. When Steve asked why he wasn’t asked that Maria told him he’d automatically cited Nazis as an example as to why following orders blindly was a dumb idea. 

Clint said he’d be unable to sacrifice pizza and petting dogs if his unknown handler asked him to, but expressed his dislike of Vladimir Putin as a serious example. Thor, Bruce, and Bucky cite Nazis, Tony says the only rules he follows are the rules of physics and that’s only when he feels like it. Sam points out that dictatorships, historically, never really worked out well for anyone. Loki asks if he followed the orders long enough would he be the one giving them because he’d love to see Melinda do the chicken dance. He was told no and Loki snorts, saying he’d be unable to blindly follow anyone, his own judgement was far too important to him.  

Maria asks him to elaborate and Loki says, “people blindly following someone who thinks they have authority has led to meninism and bronies, but not the ones who just watch the show, they’re okay, like the ones who masturbate to it and stuff. The world does not need more of those things,” he says, dead pan. Maria actually cracks up at the end and Melinda smiles ever so slightly. Clint falls on the ground laughing. Thor sighs loudly but Loki has a point so he doesn’t say anything. 

In the end it takes one full month for S.H.E.I.L.D to get upset with Tony running rampant and another two weeks to ask Steve and Rhodey for help. Rhodey and Steve exchange a glance and ask for a couple hours. In that time they convince Tony to not be an ass because he’s making Peggy look bad, and then they print out one hundred edited copies of “So Your Friends With Tony: Your Guide To Tony Stark” to pass around.  

_Various other rules to follow regarding Tony:_

11.DO NOT LET TONY LOOSE IN A WAL-MART 

Example: if I have to tell you why this is a bad idea you are part of the problem (yes, Loki and Clint, we mean you two). 

12\. For god’s sAKE DO NOT TELL TONY HE CAN’T DO SOMETHING 

Example: remember when Melinda told him he couldn’t win a Nobel peace prize and he did one better and achieved world peace for one full week? Don’t do this. Pls.  

13\. Reverse psychology works, the only time you can tell Tony he can’t do a thing is when you want him to do the thing 

Example: recall the previous example 

14\. Watch your wording, Tony is a little shit and he WILL twist your words so he can do what he wants 

Example: remember when that army guy told Tony to do that obstacle course and Tony clarified he was to “go through the course”? Yeah, well when we all thought he was being an idiot walking into the forest instead of through the course it was because he chose to walk from one end of the course to the other, therefore doing the course and not the obstacles. He sweetly told the guy that he wasn’t told to do the obstacles at all. He was pissed but he was forced to let it go due to Tony’s critical out of the box thinking. 

15\. If Tony has been working non-stop for a frightening amount of time just shut JARVIS down, to do that say “monkeyslut”. Please don’t question that, Tony enjoys Nathan from the show Misfits 

Example: if you’re lucky JARVIS has recoded himself to shut off after forty-eight hours of constant use but Tony regularly reprograms that out so you may have to shut JARVIS off yourself and chase Tony to bed with a broom. MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T SNEAK BACK DOWN WHILE YOU’RE MAKING OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND, CLINT. 

16\. DO NOT LET TONY EAT SEVENTEEN POP-TARTS FOR DINNER HE WILL THROW UP 

Example: Thor was very upset his stash was eaten. He was even more upset his brother was thrown up on. All in all Loki was the most pissed off about this decision. Stop laughing, Darcy. 

17\. FIFTY PIZZA NUGGETS IS NOT A BETTER IDEA, TONY, I DON’T CARE OF YOU’RE AN ADULT 

Example: do I really need to explain why this is a dumb idea? To be clear if you let this happen you are responsible for his mess. He will make one. We will not clean it. Not again. We will send Romanov after you if you let this happen.  

18\. DO NOT LET HIM AND CLINT GO TO AN ANIMAL SHELTER, THEY WILL ADOPT THE WHOLE THING, EVEN THE RABBITS. THEY DO NOT CARE THAT RABBITS CONSUME CHILDREN’S SOULS 

Example: we all remember the takeover of the animals. Even those soulless ass rabbits, I don’t know what Loki did with them but they are gone. That’s all that matters. Stop laughing, Steve; rabbits are the product of the devil. 

19\. Don’t talk shit about Steve, Rhodey, or his tech, he will fight 

Example: remember that one idiot trainee who said something rude about Steve and Tony bit that guy? Yeah, everyone else does too. Steve made him go to therapy because what the fuck. 

20\. Do nOT COMPARE HIM TO JUSTIN HAMMER, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU OPRAH  

Example: we all saw that episode of Oprah. That was not a smart move, Oprah. 

21\. Tony either make a HUGE deal of something, see the rule on dramatics, or he downplays the situation completely. 

Example: he lost his phone and considered calling the National Guard, he gets shot and, to quote him, “I got a wee bit shot, I’ll be fine”. He couldn’t understand why Steve was freaking out and kept saying stupid shit like, “oh my god Steve, I’ve only been shot, it’s not like Pepper lost her phone, that would be a disaster,” and, “Steve, seriously, I’m only a little bit shot, its happens to everyone”. Steve probably would have smacked him but you know, he’d been shot. 

22\. Blasting Enter Sandman by Metallica will not help you sleep, Tony 

Example: We’ve all had to listen to this damn song enough to know why it’s on here.

23\. He stores food EVERYWHERE, no crack or crevice is safe 

Example: Even Melinda has found food stashed in her stuff, if he can get to Melinda none of us are safe. He does not care about ants.

24\. Do not let him steal Justin Hammer’s cockatoo. He will teach it out to say “Justin Hammer is a cocksucker” 

Example: yes, this is hilarious, and no, you cannot laugh. Tony is like a child, you laugh at something he isn’t supposed to do and he will take it as permission to repeat said action with 200 birds. 

25\. Do not let Tony buy any sort of talking bird, he will by 200 of them and teach them all to say “Justin Hammer is a fucknugget” and release them on MIT 

Example: gather the birds looking as judgmental as possible so he knows not to do this again. 

26\. Do not let him and Doom build things together 

Example: mother fucking Doombots.   

27\. Do not let him pester Bruce until he snaps 

Example: you know what happened; do you want to fill out the paper work for that again? Maria does not 

28\. Natasha 

Example: you know what this means. 

29\. Do not let Tony decorate the Christmas tree 

Example: we all remember the JARVIS Christmas lights, the ones that complimented Bruce’s sweater. They were not cool Tony, they were fucking creepy. We do not want warm hugs; we want to be told why the Christmas tree is talking to us. 

30\. If all else fails the best way to get Tony to drop whatever annoying antics he’s currently involved is to get Pepper. He doesn’t fuck with Pepper.  

Example: you remember what happened when she expressed her annoyance at the Doombot invasion. They were gone within minutes, we don’t even know where they went. Hopefully not on the Christmas tree. 

                                                                                                                                                     

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
